[Post #1]

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Monoamory:

After all the heartbreak I experience, the pair bonding and safety I felt left. I felt resentful it felt like I was trying to make things work and I wasn't being negotiated with. For a long time, it was trying hearing the P-word. It felt like I was hearing an ideology with selfish, indulgent people who couldn't care more, or 'sacrifice', for their partners and be loyal. It disgusted me. Now, it just feels like a different relationship structure or setup. I'm too disillusioned to feel I want one or the other. But, when I was in a more feeling state, I wanted someone who I could change with, grow, love and be the 'partner-in-crime' deal. Growing old and taking care of a being with each other. Maybe the type of love I idealized was "codependent" yet I don't think of it as terrible; I think of us having each other's back, trying to work through things and ect.

Ethics: Loyalty, pair-bonding, and exclusivity.

What I learned about myself: I guess I discovered I was a bit codependent. Through this experience, I came to the nihilistic view that I couldn't trust that someone being with me mattered more than searching for the other side of the grass. That was I more easily malleable and I started to brainwash myself into trying to normalize it. To normalize why I shouldn't ask commitment of anyone (it feels especially iffy since I'm on the ace spectrum and I'm sure someone mentioned in this sub, months ago, someone wouldn't want to be monogamous w/ an ace person) and more. That currently, I hold the belief that if you're not providing something, it would somewhat unethical (unless both happily agree) to not help your partner with something. Like I mentioned, I'm ace so I feel it would be mean to prevent my partner from getting potential pleasure if it wouldn't harm me (STDs) and more. I also learned that I could accept my partner being with someone else if I were to be less invested in the relationship, not care or be very individualistic (apathetic).

Advice: To directly communicate how you'd like the relationship to be (I take a bit of principles from relationship anarchy. Especially ones about heteronormitivity, respect instead of entitlement, ect)

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Polyamory:

Ethics: Autonomy (via individuality and boundaries) and freedom

Advice (my mistakes and tips):

If you're someone who is questioning whether to be more 'open-minded' to something that makes you deeply unsettled to participate in, consider not doing so for your well-being. And if you're someone thinking about bringing up polyamory with someone who deeply is unwell with it, I'd say it's more ethical to break up with them and let them be happy.

And if you're going to bring up polyamory, for the love of god stop saying ignorant things like it's the same as 'loving two kids'. Two different scenarios where intimacy is a bit different. My partner used an example of an experienced painter with different skills and someone new and that was...better, I guess.

Ending note: We all have one life to live and I'm still juggling the side of 'sometimes you have to be mature and realize you can't get what you'd like and aim to be content' versus 'everything in YOUR life is up to you and you shouldn't let yourself be held back (modern to hedonistic).

Effects of this experience: I guess what's changing throughout everything would be feeling detached and having less of a desire (pair-bonding related). It feels like, "eh, maybe I'll never know this person" and part of me doesn't mind that. I'm not indifferent, for sure, I just feel like if you could drop someone so easily, not try to compromise with them despite them trying to be 'open' and other things, maybe you never were invested in the way that they were.

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[POST #2] I feel like pair-bonding is still broken but I've come out better

trigger warnings --> suicide mention, heartbreak, 'open-mindedness', etc

I'm still adjusting to adulthood and the emotional intelligence that would come with it (e.g. empathy, boundaries, and emotional processing) and I think I've realized that I don't love my partner anymore. I feel like I still have nice feelings towards them and I don't imagine a feature with them and

You can't build a home with someone who keeps pulling away from the middle of the project of it. I'll have to see what you want through. They broke my heart constantly and I did too because I refuse to acknowledge that someone wanted more freedom than I felt I could either trust them or feel safe with them having.

Nobody is worth looking like a damn fool over and losing your sanity by dragging yourself through the mind with someone who doesn't want to make compromises with you; I should've known to let go then because they were willing to let a 1 year go over not wanting to make the ACTIVE choose to not develop a romantic relationship with someone else.

[Post #3]

Why do we want the things we want?

Being in this predicament has helped me to philosophize a bit more and examine myself. After all, it felt like my heart broke and had no other reason to continue being. I felt gutted as I felt the one person was helping me to suffer by forcing me to touch a place that I said hurt. Even more so, saying they're going to that area eventually and that I should be ready to deal with it. During trying to be "open-minded", I slightly invalidated my boundaries and felt like a part of me was being ripped off.

So, where does justified suffering begin? If we want to be 'as authentic as possible', shouldn't we try to uncover why we feel the way we do about certain things? The video below gave me some insight a few months ago.

First vs Second Order Desires

How do I feel about trust now that I've been "poly-bombed"? Am I monogamous?

Part of me feels like I'm not what's considered monogamous anymore because I feel emotionally impaired. I mean, there's only one person that I cannot be neutral about and that's my partner. But, whenever the laughs and the smiles fade, there's this empty spot where I feel like my "heart" was supposed to be. Or emotions that I could've accessed before. I feel more individualistic. Not in a "screw you, I got mine" way but in a solo-poly way. I don't feel like I'd want to be with anyone else than my partner. I genuinely enjoy them but again people are so fucking complex and I don't know I would want to deal with that again. It's hard enough trying to make myself be aware and grow-- I don't want to babysit anyone or feel in unnecessary strife.

I don't know how I feel about this whole debate anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to deal with people again because of the emotional energy it brings. Alongside the fact that intimacy is shared, so you have to work through shame, indirect communications and other external problems. I feel more avoidant in attachment style, therefore more on the fence.

[Post #4]

What is love?

Part of what I felt like was love was determined sacrifice and intolerance to the suffering of the person you care about. I used to feel, towards some "poly" people like this: If you really cared about your partner, you wouldn't mind sacrificing X because they should mean more to you. Now, I've realized, maybe it's better to let that person go and realize that maybe choosing to have multiple people is closer to how you'd like than have them feel like you're chaining them up. Nobody should feel like they're just being settled for or not being the desired choice...it doesn't feel good.

Why do some people consider monogamy the "balls-and-chain" relationship type/structure?

I'm not completely sure but I think it has to do with having something centralized and prioritized. I know a lot of people have been hurt by hierarchies and that some people have needlessly put important people (e.g. friends and family) on the back-burner for new relationship which I disagree with built. I believe monoamory and polyamory have beauty in their aesthetics and am torn about them. Also, I understand if nobody really reads this as this was a long post in the making but I wanted to get it out there because nothing will ever be "perfect" but I tried to give value-- so keep that in mind please.

[Post #5]

I feel like I'm very fixated on this and it could be considered 'ghost trauma'-- which I hope it isn't but I'll have to see. I appreciate this subreddit and what it offered in the meantime. You all were staunchly against inconsiderate hedonism and poked holes. I can say the same about the other to an extent but this one a bit more because you all have probably lived through direct experience with this (e.g. heartbreak). I don't think I'm completely over what happened to me and maybe felt like I was because I dissociated very hard. I still sometimes feel inner emptiness in me but I guess that's normal after a lot of stress.

I also appreciate poly people like Kat Blaque who are respectful of people who choose monoamory. She was one of the many validating voices I encouraged and have enjoyed some of her content.

This was essentially a rant brewing up for some months until now with some updates...so thank you for reading a least a part of it and I hope some of this was useful in its own way.