This year is the first year I haven't had any flashbacks, polyPTSD, and anything major that has to do with polyamory trauma. I can mildly joke about it and for the most part, I can manage my triggers that has to do with polyamory. This year is the best it has been because I'm better with picking and choosing what I interact with in terms of polyamory content. I don't start getting the panic attack I used to when I encounter them. Those were dark days.

I was in therapy for half the year last year, but, stopped because it wasn't helping. In fact, it was re-traumatizing me and contributed to the worst meltdown and panic attack I had ever had, years after we had closed up. I'm not knocking therapy, it helps a lot of people and there had been therapists that helped me. It's that I recognized that this particular therapy was not helping. What did help was a long vacation out of the country right after stopping therapy, in the countryside, where my boyfriend and I were able to exist like a normal couple, where people are too busy with the day-to-day and helping each other.

I don't pretend to know each person's relationship in that place, but it didn't matter. I was able to see and experience what a normal village mindset is, instead of whatever pseudo-community that placed polyamory as a requirement that I was a part of years ago. This real countryside farming village had people of all ages, checking in on each other, supporting each other, visiting each other, everything my faux-community wanted.

Here's what I'm sure would blow the minds of the poly community (I can say that because I thought it too, in my polyamory past): none of the caring required or had anything to do with having the freedom to have sex with anyone. Everyone was respectful and no one was trying to flirt with or bed anyone. They were helping for the sake of helping.

I know not everyone can have a vacation like I did, I'm grateful that in my darkest time, I was able to leave everything behind to rest and concentrate on healing. It wasn't perfect. We came back and had some more problems with my triggers, but that was last year. Since the start of this year, I've been at the most peace I've ever felt.

This month, my boyfriend and I celebrated another anniversary, with polyamory nowhere in our relationship. It is unwelcomed. I'm not expecting perfection, as it doesn't exist. What I'm expecting are loyalty, honesty, trust, love, kindness, fun, and interdependence, among other things I won't waver on.

There's no controlling of anyone in this relationship. We are both still and have always been free to do whatever and whoever we want, but we choose each other. Nothing is worth losing the other. I see it when I look into his eyes that there's no one else. I feel it when we are spending time together. I don't worry anymore that when I'm not around, he's with someone else. It's freeing. I'm no longer a prisoner to my anxiety.

If you made it this far, thank you. I had to stick with r.polycritical because I needed that more. There was pain and vitriol I needed to get out without the input of those who were not monogamous. However, in the beginning of my healing journey, this sub was everything to me. There was nothing I can find about leaving polyamory. This sub was the only thing that kept me sane back then. So, I post now to share my healing. It was long, difficult, expensive, time consuming, and destroyed me in many ways. But I'm okay now, and this sub, the members and mods were there for me, keeping me from falling deep into despair. Now I'm okay. Thank you.