I (F) feel hurt that my partner (M) feels alright with opening up the relationship and doesn't want to feel restricted. He's recently told me that he feels like he was stopping himself from developing emotions for other people (via repressing) and that made him cry. I don't want him to feel like he cannot express himself but part of wonders why he needs his. The biggest thing, overall, is that we're both happy and I'd still like to be together but I won't lie and say it didn't feel like I wasn't enough, that he wasn't just being greedy, blindsided, ect. I took it to heart and it felt like it was about me not being enough. He apparently has enough room to make for other people but he says that he's happy here. And I genuinely have mixed emotions about it but I don't plan on mentioning this for a bit of time until my emotions are more stable on it. I also mentioned that if he falls for another person and I don't agree, that I'd like him to go for that person...because 1) maybe it wasn't supposed to work out and is a incompatibility and 2) because I feel like he'll resent me for

Today I suggested a dynamic (and wish I would've kept my mouth shut) about being open/poly and now he doesn't want to step down from it, which is reasonable. I felt like if me and him broke up, I wouldn't want to be just friends because that'd be less intimacy or good stuff and I guess he related and felt that way about that. I cried so fucking much today and I just want the pain to stop. I love him so much. And before you say, "well, are you trying to change yourself?" Yes, radically. I looked so much into polyamorous things and mentioned this to him and that I'm trying to understand him. I guess he just wants to be free but I don't feel like I need anybody else in that romantic sense. And it made me uncomfortable thinking about him doing physically intimate things with other people. especially wanting to develop the relationship more if the other person agrees. It just hurts. I don't want to "play" with his emotions, I'm just trying to figure out mine and not hurt anybody. I really fucking wish he was mono. Because there are some secure monos out there. I felt more secure today and felt like I could do this and that'd I'd want him nonetheless but idk if I'm just going to sacrifice my well-being for this. I don't want to control him and I've had issues in the past with doing so-- being resentful and maybe scaring off a female friend of his. I was too weak to break up with him and didn't want to.

He also explained love in a very mature way to me, as if it's a gift and I liked it but I just don't get how he feels comfortable with doing such intimate things with other people but I guess those would be partners, so that's alright. I just don't want to lose me for a part of him that I "need" to obtain; some people are mono or poly and I feel like that's valid. I'm just mainly confused because I also struggle with jealousy issues so idk if it's just that clouding my better judgment on the situation. It just hurts me a lot to think that the person that I grew to love so much doesn't think the same about intimacy and being with other people as I do...I feel like it's so intimate but I guess it's good if he feels like his love is infinite.

The better part of me says that I can just consume a lot of media and convince myself it's okay that my partner wants to be open to developing relationships in a non-hierachical and doing things like that but it doesn't feel right to me. Idk what I'm looking forward to with this post but I'm fucking sad. We got off of a call a bit ago and I really did feel like i could approve of it as long as everyone's tested and that we can grow our connection being together. Part of me wishes he never found this out about himself because it makes me feel like shit but I also know that's so selfish to think and that we've had problems before that could've ended us. I feel like I'm 35-45% side for being open to polyamory (in theory) but idk about in practice. I mean, I believe you can have romantic feelings for more than one person, believe that possessing your partner (or feeling the need to tie them down), ect. If he did find someone else, I feel like that'd end us. And it's just crazy to me that he might keep more than 2 going but I guess that's none of my direct business. I'm so fucking insecure. Anyways, thank you for reading this pathetic, all over the place message.

Edit: I appreciate all of the comments that I got and you all were supportive. I'm trying to navigate something new & it was welcoming and nice that I had support from everybody. Yesterday hurt but I'm doing better now :)