I (36M) need some support right now.

Big Picture: My wife/co-parent/business partner polybombed me three months ago after us being together for 13 years. I’ve been open minded to think and talk about, but also express my fears and hypothetical boundaries. She said she wants to be able to talk about it in the future, and in the meantime work on us and ourselves. I’ve been lurking here and on other pro and anti poly subreddits while struggling with emotions. She already started and stopped a mild emotional affair with a friend/crush who prompted her feelings and desire to talk about poly. Almost every week I go down for a day with crippling anxiety and pain from feeling like I’m “not enough” for her. I waver between “okay maybe I could go along with us opening up, I could enjoy dating other people,” 1/4 of the time, to “no no, ow fuck, no” most of the time. It’s been traumatizing for me, I feel emotionally bruised and exhausted. We have had many good conversations too, felt closer then ever, sex even got better than ever. But I have this dread handing over my head, that we’re incompatible, that we’re headed for divorce, that she wants poly and I don’t.

Today I gutted myself with a realization. I know I’m in a fucked up place, because I imagined unwillingly opening up, finding another mono-leaning person who was also a polybombed partner, and we could fall in love together bonding over our pain, divorce our poly spouses and marry each other instead, and I would always trust that relationship as more committed than one with a person who feels trapped in monogamy, it sounds quite nice actually. And this thought makes me cry, and want to separate from my amazing awesome flawed wife who I love and now also resent. Fuck.