I’ve been a lurker in this sub & others similar to it (mostly r/gentlefemdom & r/extragentlefemdom) for some time at this point, but I've finally gathered the courage to take a step towards joining the community. Anyway, I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch as a result of a breakup recently that’s had me trying to reevaluate my life and my goals.

Some context: For most of my life, I’ve felt isolated, stunted, & hopeless. I’ve struggled with severe anxiety, depression, & PTSD for as long as I can remember. Either as the cause or the result of which, I’ve found it difficult to make connections with people. Throughout my academic career, I was never able to make lasting friendships. After graduating high school 2 years late, I never made it past about a semester’s worth of courses at a community college before dropping out entirely. The longest I've ever been able to hold a job was barely a year before I had to quit after a mental breakdown with suicidal thoughts (which is pretty much how every previous job had ended as well). I’ve been a NEET living with my parents & subsisting off of welfare for several years now. I don’t have any friends I can see irl, but I’ve been able to make some very close friends online.

The gist of it all is that I've had a very sheltered life so far, and I have very little experience when it comes to relationships, dating, and sex. In fact, I've been ashamed and afraid of most things to do with sex for a long time. I'd never really had someone to talk to about or explore those things until I started dating my now ex-gf. She'd had a lot of experience in sex & kinks, and she helped me begin to feel comfortable expressing myself in that area. By the time I'd met her, I'd already become aware of my extremely submissive/passive nature and a couple of kinks & fetishes that piqued my interest. She was very open & supportive of me exploring my fantasies with her (as much as was possible in a long-distance relationship). She even allowed and enjoyed having me call her mommy.

Unfortunately, our expectations & goals for the relationship weren't aligned in the end. I did my best to give her all the love, support, and comfort she needed and asked for. She eventually told me that she wanted the freedom to express her love with more than just me, and she didn't think she could provide the love and care that I needed from her as a result. I was & am heartbroken, and I've been struggling to piece together my life without her.

That brings me to the point of this very long first post. I've been taking a hard look at myself, my flaws, my desires, my needs, and what I have to offer. I've come to the conclusion that the reality of my situation is such that I will never be able to be fully independent. I'm nearly 28, but I still feel like a child in most aspects. I have immense difficulty doing things for myself without some kind of incentive, and many times even that's not enough. I get confused and overwhelmed by simple tasks. I'm terrified of going places, or talking to people, or trying new things on my own. And I'm fairly sure that once my parents are gone, I'll either be homeless or have to live in a group home if I don't have a partner.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel ignored & abandoned again. I want someone to want me & care about me as much as I want and care about her. I want someone to be able to hold me accountable & challenge me when I need it. I want someone to play, have fun, & be intimate with. I want someone to learn, explore & grow with, so we can become better people together. I want to make someone feel special & attractive, and for her to be able to do the same for me. I want to be able to trust and feel safe with someone. I want someone I can depend on and for them to depend on me.

And I'm scared because I don't know how to meet people to even look for something like that. Dating sites and apps never worked for me because I don't go anywhere or have friends to take eye-catching photos with. I had a fetlife account that I didn't know how to use until I deleted it a few years ago after one too many scammers trying to trick me. I don't wanna come off as just some needy man-child looking for a kink-dispenser or a maid. If there's someone out there for me like everybody says, I don't think I'll ever find them, and I know they wouldn't be able to find me either. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

I'm not looking for someone to "fix" me or solve all my problems. I'm not looking for a babysitter or a therapist. I want a partner to share and enjoy life with. I want a mommy to love and be loved by. Maybe that's too much to ask. I don't know. I just know that I'm sad, and hurting, and I just want someone to hug me and never let go right now.

(I wanted to post this a week ago, but got denied due to this being a new account. I don't know what kind of headspace I'll be in when this actually goes up, but right now I just feel hopeless & alone and I just want to be seen & heard.)

(I've been revising this post off & on during this past week after reading some other posts from other people on this subreddit. Some posts have made me seriously rethink certain aspects of my approach to these feelings I've laid out above. Other posts have only made me feel more self-conscious, unwanted, and hopeless. The amount of contention I've been seeing around the subject of what people want out of this lifestyle and their reasons behind them has been extremely off-putting to me as a "newcomer." I came here because I thought it would be a safe place to try to find some likeminded people who I can be open about this part of myself without feeling judged. I know that there are a great majority of people here for the same reasons, but I know that there will always be overly vocal outliers. Throwing around accusations and judgements based upon one's one preferences and opinions seems very counterproductive to me, but that's just my two cents. This probably should've been part of a separate post, but I felt it was relevant enough to be included as an afterthought.)