(I apologize for the long unformatted text and I'm sorry but please don't comment with I just have to be patient ect, ect. I feel like if I read those it's just going to make me feel worse about myself.)

I absolutely love the Mommy dom little boy kink/fetish or whatever you want to classify it as. However I just feel like where I'm at in life and now thanks to covid it is just making me more depressed. At least looking at reddit definitely is. I know I should probably just stop looking at reddit and all the r/mommydom and r/gentlefemdom posts but I just can't. They make me feel too good. I just don't know what to do now. I'm still going to school, I don't have a job, I'm suck at home, online dating doesn't work for me since I'm not the slim, fit, dominant guy that almost every girl my age near me wants. I would want an older woman anyway since I feel like I am way too mature for my age (22). I mean shit my own mother says I act like a 40 year old male. Due to all this I just feel like I want to give up and crawl in a damn hole and just die there. I have been starved of love and affection for almost 5 years now. April 25th will be the 5 year mark (when my ex broke up with me a day after my 18th birthday, I'm still a little bitter about that.) I just don't know how much longer I can take being like this for. I can't already tell that most of my emotions have pretty much been subconsciously suppressed. I came out to my best friend since 1st grade who is a dom and seems to always have a girl throwing herself at him a couple days ago about being a sub and how I like the whole mommy dom thing. That felt so good to get that off my chest but regardless Im just worried about how much longer I can wait before I just say fuck it and give up looking for someone all together. A huge fear that I have is growing up and ending up alone and I know that I'm being impatient and selfish but I just want to have someone who will shower me with affection and practically force it on my because I know that I would tell them that they didn't have to do that since that's just the way I am. I guess Im just scared and stressed out about just wanting to be myself and not being able to for god knows how much longer.