If you read all this, truly, I thank you. It means a lot to be heard

I’ve been fairly active in this community for a while now. And it’s one of my favorite places to be, it’s a safe space. Full of positivity, and kind people and ideas. And now I need a place to just put my feelings out there, because I don’t have anywhere or anyone to do that. One of the whole reasons I got into this fetish was because of my past relationships, if you can call them that. It’s hard to explain, but I was as close to these people as I could possibly be without being in a true romantic relationship. And we always were aware and knew of the feelings we shared. Both of those women, (at separate points in my life btw), showed me an unimaginable kindness and compassion. Affection and love I never felt before, especially physical affection. Though both ended with them manipulating me and emotionally abusing me. It tore me apart, and I still think of it to this day. What I could’ve done wrong to lose them. Question if I hurt them, it keeps me up at night. I frequently cry when I'm alone over what I've lost. The few I've trusted to tell this tell me constantly that they were manipulators and abusers. And they were, but I still can’t help but feel I hurt them in some way. Look up the song “Heavy with Hoping” by Madeon, it’s basically how I feel. Any ways, to try and conclude this before it gets too much longer, I’m 18, and I am a virgin and haven’t even had my first kiss. And I’m terrified of being hurt again, that if I do trust someone, they’ll do worse things than the last two, or I might upset them. All I want is to be loved by someone I love, and give them all my affection and care, and vice versa. But it feels impossible now.

Again, if you read this far, I cannot thank you enough