NOTE: THIS POST IS FOR JOKING PURPOSES ONLY; DO NOT BE TOO OFFENDED

ANGELS: You’ve either been successfully lied to by their marketing team, or you’re a weeb in your teens or 20s.

ASTROS: Your favorite basketball team is the Warriors and your favorite football team is the Chiefs. Also you can excuse cheat-

ATHLETICS: You saw the movie Moneyball and thought it was good, so you decided to follow the team it was based on. You are now regretting that decision. Either that, or you’re over fifty years old.

BLUE JAYS: You live in Vancouver.

BREWERS: At least once recently, you got so drunk from Miller beer that you thought Prince Fielder was on the team.

BRAVES: Most teams would kill to be a champion once per generation, but you don’t see it that way.

CARDINALS: You’re taking the loss of Albert and Yadi a little too well.

CUBS: You finally made it to the top, and now don’t know what to do with yourselves.

DIAMONDBACKS: You’re very happy right now, and the last time that was the case, Justin Upton was on the team.

DODGERS: You love preaching about diversity every year, but for completely unrelated reasons wish to nuke the most diverse city in the country to kingdom come.

GIANTS: You got spoiled for choice recently and are now remembering what arson does.

GUARDIANS: You finally stood up to racism, and now you’re channeling all your anger the same way the Cubs have for over a century. Either that, or you just really like the movie Major League.

MARINERS: You’re either really into underdogs, or you’re a weeb in your 30s or 40s.

MARLINS: You saw LoanDepot Park in a bunch of World Baseball Classics and wondered who played there. You now hate anyone with money for ruining the team.

METS: You believe you are the biggest punching bag in all of sports, completely forgetting about a certain basketball team in Manhattan in the process (or, you know, the Cleveland Browns).

NATIONALS: You believe you should be in Montreal.

ORIOLES: You blame Chris Davis for all of your suffering and are glad he’s gone so you can be good again.

PADRES: LA took everything from you, and you’re craving their heads on a silver platter.

PHILLIES: You went from an underdog to an overdog and haven’t yet realized it.

PIRATES: Your bipolar situation is so drastic that you forgot Felipe Vazquez is still technically on your payroll.

RANGERS: You hate bat flipping, Mr. Freeze, and people touching your head.

RAYS: You only became a fan of them in the past couple of weeks.

RED SOX: This is the same joke as the Phillies, but with extra beer.

REDS: You’re just waiting for football season to start.

ROCKIES: Your main priority is getting a good view of some mountains, and it secretly makes A’s fans jealous.

ROYALS: This is the same joke as the Reds, but unlike Cincinnati you actually have hardware to go along with it.

TIGERS: You’re happy the GM is gone, but you’re still not optimistic.

TWINS: You probably hate the Yankees more than any other team does and nobody knows about it.

WHITE SOX: You may not have most of Chicago’s love, but at least you got Michael Jordan’s for a time. You still hate the Cubs though.

YANKEES: Your favorite basketball teams are either the Lakers or Celtics and your favorite football teams are either the Steelers or Patriots (more likely the former in both cases, because fuck Boston). You also just like buying the cap and if someone asks who your favorite current player is, you say “Derek Jeter”.