So I don't know if this is even where this should go. I just want to get this out while I am still physically able to function. Shit is about to get bad. I am a 46/f who has been a daily user for the better part of 20 years. I am so sick of being dependent on this but I have responsibilities so I don't have the luxury to go through months of being unable to get out of bed, being mean to the person I love, & not taking care of the things I have to take care of. BUT...I don't have a choice now. I have at the most about 36 hours before I will be of no use to anyone.

I have managed to hide my addiction for most of the last 20 years from my kids. But they are grown now & I have told them a little bit about it. I have never been arrested. I own my home. I've never stolen or pawned shit to get my drugs. I don't "work" but I have a lot of jobs. I have an elderly parent that I have to be there for (who knows I'm an addict.) I have a husband that doesn't drive & works full time that I have to take to & from work at different places everyday. I have a disabled animal that requires full time care. I have grandbabies that I love that live 2 hours away that I want to see & my kid is coming in town to celebrate their birthday this weekend that I have to be able to go to. Ok, I'm cutting & pasting & starting to ramble.

I don't know what my purpose is for writing this other than...well I don't know. Maybe this will help someone else not let this control their life. I'm scared. Thanks for reading. And I'm an Atheist so don't waste a prayer on me. 😑