I’ve been a sex worker for the last year and a half. I’m aware of the stigma but I don’t care. I prefer to see the work as progressive and empowering - when done correctly with a lot of checking in. For some women it’s a job that is great as a career, but not always.

For the first year, it was exactly that. My confidence boosted tenfold, I no longer seeked validation in men and it helped a lot with past SA trauma.

Now that was for the first 9 months. It’s very much changed. Mainly due to my lack of personal boundaries and lack of continuing therapy. I started to need to take drugs or drink to get through a shift.

Some nights I’d end up completely wasted (trying my best to hide it) and others I would be just slightly buzzed/focused because I’d take Vyvanse. Otherwise I would feel repulsed and angry af that I was sleeping with someone I didn’t want to.

Most natural response would be to find another job - but my visa situation is difficult - working hours extremely limited and tbh the attraction of working when I wanted for however long and leaving most nights with 1k, was very very hard to leave behind.

It’s been a year and a half now. I took a break - went to therapy and created a schedule of when I was to work and my financial goal. I started basically micro dosing ket, which really did help.

But I’m back in a slump. I’ll sit there and try am myself up whilst getting ready by drinking and now smoking meth. I’ve also tried ketamine again but I just CANNOT bring myself to turn up to one shift.

This means I’m running out of money and I’m moving countries soon so I can’t afford that, it also means I get fried from drinking and smoking my pipe. So much so to the point when I will break down and decide to get more fucked up, just to pull a bender and smoke and smoke and when I know I don’t need more - I smoke more.

It’s fucking ridiculous, I feel so ashamed of myself and so incredibly stressed. I’ve just come off an at home all nighter and the fucking feeling of disappointment and sadness is fucking awful.

I feel like shit also from not eating and just drinking heaps and smoking. This is the 4th time it’s happened. The guilt is eating me up.

I’m not looking for advice - I know I need to and want to stop, but moving is expensive and hurting myself in this way feels worth it so that I can create a new healthy life. I just want to talk about it.

Also like I said - I’m not new to the stigma, I’m usually very capable of ignoring other people’s opinions on this work and you are entitled to one but I’m fragile at the moment so please refrain from any negative comments - it also won’t stop me from continuing until I make enough to move.

I’m just so upset and again disappointed in myself. I didn’t need to sit there and smoke and drink myself into a bender.

I just wanted to rant, put my feelings down and reflect.

Thanks :)