I don't really know what I'm thinking because I've been too thwacked out for 3 days playing games and observing the history of psychiatric medications, trying to find something that checks all my boxes because I can't stand to live within this brain, in this body, without the right medication, the right combination for this congregation of disorder(s).

It's been so peaceful to be up in the night while everyone else is asleep. I'll miss the nights quiet when I return to my regular sleep schedule. I don't look forward to being overstimulated by all the day noise again. If only I didn't like the serenity in my head and feeling of busyness in my body after I dose.

It went wrong when I smoked a cigarette, then a joint. From bowls to balls and half grams too, so many things to try, not a lot to lose.

Regulation, functionality, quiet and of course, the fucking fun of it. The feeling of it. I start to feel it tensing my face and jaw, while also relaxing my back and my arms.

I couldn't tell you enough how much I like the night silence. Gentle wind, leaves blowing, old house creaking. No yelling, no barking, no alarms, just hush. I don't feel the same paranoia dead of night as I do in the peak of the day.

No thoughts looping, fighting to be front and centre for thinking, planning, preparing,, processing it all, however delayed due to my fugue, hightned state.

When the sun comes up, tomorrow, the end of this break from reality, fired up nuerons, deregulation, mostly myself, if you can even call a shell "self".

I don't know when this turned into a poem or whatever but that's what I think. I wish I was more responsible, maybe one day I will be. Today is not that day, though tomorrow could be, at best.