The self destruct sequence has been activated... All employees please proceed to... tell me what to do tonight (it's night here btw bitches).

So long story less long, I self-medicate when I can afford it (fucking 400USD a gram, literally more expensive than gold, but adderall and all softer amphetamines are unavailable to me here on pain of worse than death, and NO I'm not being suckered--that is a legit gram discount "friend" price...) Being diagnosed with treatment-resistent major depressive disorder, crippling perma-shut-in level anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD relatively recently, I quickly realized the only option to even get out of bed would be amphetamines, and in this bullshit location the only amphetamine available is the big bad infamous one, so I started to semi-recreationally self-medicate when I could afford it. "On" days are like, 5mg orally every few hours for 42-72 hours, watching youtube videos, playing vidjya games, knowing what year it is and that US presidents have apparently changed... And "off" days are 3$ bottles of wine and OTC sleeping pills to pass the time until my next freelance job or my next "On" session.

But inevitably, I sometimes wind up "straddling the session"--that is to say: there's really only enough of the precious molecule in the bag to MAYBE watch some Youtube essays at half speed while only 50% wanting to die instead of 110%, for 12-24 hours max instead of a proper multisolar rush (I just made up that nonsense term, sorry not sorry)... And I usually err on the side of deferring to another disappointing half-session.

But I have beautiful memories of before Skynet took my job and Terminator apparently didn't stop them in this timeline, when I could dose a little higher and push it a little further, and not have to chose between getting out of bed and hot water/food other than bread, which were good times... The fat of the land, and all.

But now, facing such a crossroads, and not being sure when I can re-up in the foreseeable future at all, I'm thinking I should go out with a relative bang (still talking 5-10mg bumps/capsules over the course of another 12-24 hours, baby-shit physiologically.)

So what would YOU do, and by extension what shall I do?

If I go for it, I'll probably eventually hallucinate and black out, resulting in maybe a follow-up with some total insane black-out nonsense--maybe even video (I've woken up to find videos of myself singing the first hour of Jesus Christ Superstar with Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Bullet Bill, Yoshi and friends as puppets (singing full blast at fucking 3AM, absolutely no memory of doing any of it)).

Or if you tell me to plan for the future like some spun squirrel, I'll just chug this 4$ bottle of 15% fortified wine and start the inevitable comedown process...

And vis-a-vis harm reduction and all that pussy shit--oral and intranasal, small bumps, on blood pressure meds, big bag of weird Mexican diazapam analog from my repressive govrenment, and experience enough to know I'll be fine either way. It's just a matter of... deciding.

Two rails diverged on a teflon platter... I snorted the one less snorted by, and that has made... all the difference.

Okay I'll stop now.

*And that's not just rhetorical--I have to say since recently discovering this sub and /stims, it's been refreshing not to have all my posts and half my comments deleted or angrily downvoted because people can't understand subtle humor** or rambling and disjointed but ultimately lucid ideas presented from less-than-serious angles. Lots of smart people here, especially compared to the percentage of "easily googlable and barely coherent questions", and a low ratio of people being mean to them or anyone. I look forward to continuing to contribute when I know the smart answers, and exercize brotherly love (no homo) and tolerance to the brothers and sisters who comprise whatever this is (still not sure how I found it...)

**At the risk of sounding like I'm comparing myself: Imagine if Jonathan Swift had been pressured to subtitle his groundbreaking work of satire "A Modest Proposal (/s lol jk guise, just re-defining journalistic satire for a fucking century, but I'd better mark it for any lobatamized readers because this newfangled Reddit Herald has determined that it's impossible to convey humor through the written word, ngl omg rite!?)"

Okay, I'll stop the postscripts now too. THE END.

--Or is it...?

It is.