Its 4am im in a motel bathroom with a half gram pill casing of meth melting in my ass. 15 mins later i dont want to to stimfap im that high. I want to sing for the shadow people outside in the room. So i play my favorites playlist and give the show of my lifetime..the acoustics of the bathroom were unparralled. Dopamine at a all time high im reeling for this not to end. Bone thugz n harmony pop up and play. Im the best god damn rapper in the world. Flake by jack johnson - is next and i can cry at how much i love singing this song throughout my whole fucked up life. I sing it perfect. I pride myself on my singing sober. But this was something else. I was grooving in the shower singing into the wall for everyone in the caskets of the other tweakers 7room to hear. Because they are gonna wanna fuck me if they do. I sing for 4 hours. Crying at times, laughing and smiling. Greenday - f.o.d plays last and i lose my mind i fucking love music and siging so much I exited the bathroom and nobody was there. I was alone again. I go back into the bathroom and im transported back to stage and sing out loud " lets nuke this bridge weve torched 2 thousand times before" ive had this burning in my guts for so long since

Tldr- <><><<> Fast forward 6 months im 2 weeks sober and listening to the same playlist and jamming out and reeling for that night. Is music always gonna trigger me? Im craving that high of not wanting to stimfap but to sing to shadow people. Im feeling fear music will forever be tainted esp EDM My god the nights of fist bumping at 3am driving around aimlessly down the coast highway with some good house music. Ethereal. Exhilarating as the shadow people chase me in their prius and eyes full of void