You know that feeling before you decide to go relapse that it will always be absolutely destructive, and that will ruin your most relationships you’ve finally gained back after severely damaging them in the first place? And you say if I do this, it WILL fuck everything I have going on currently, plus a number of things you didn’t even think would be affected? You know this will be a negative decision 100% but you still somehow override that fact for the very brief escape that will never be as good as that “one time” that you are trying to recreate. Is it such a strong hatred of self that helps make the decision? Because you know once the drugs wear off and the fucking ends, that you will be despicably regretful and disgusted by what you’ve done, that the depression is suffocating. And we still need over ride the regality. Maybe I’m just a truly horrible human being who too scared to just commit suicide. I like to longingly hope that I’m a good person and to not hurt the ones i love, because I would never want that to be my intention. BUT look at the track record… writing this while drugs are still in, but making their way out of my system. I’m more lost than ever, and ruined my most precious relationship. Where will it end?