I ponder alot. I ponder about death and love. I ponder about how I ended up this way,how I ended up six feet under above ground. What horrible deed did I do in my past life. Was I Hitler. Yes I was Hitler.

I think back on my life and try remember any real happy moments. A few very fleeting at best. Nothing like graduating college or getting married or fucking your prom date. He'll I didn't even go to one school dance. Makes sense I'd end up this way right.

In a way all you can do is just fucking laugh at this point. It's 654am Monday morning in a walmart parking lot I am ferociously stroking my cock with the highest intent. I popped a rhino male enhancement pill 4 hours prior and been sniffing poppers also. I did 7$ snort of meth 6 hours prior. My cock is right on the border of feelsgoodman and beat over the head with a 4x4 and won't hurt. I have been watching girls in lingerie tease their tits while they call me a jerk junkie worthless pos. They make point to let me know that this is all ill ever get. In fact this is all ill ever want. You see the last couple years of meth addiction has kinda shown me some very interesting areas of the porn world and has fucked me in multiple ways.

In between the the ferocious helicopter jerk and the nirvana hard on one finger jerk. I lost apart of myself . I lost a friend. My sex life was nearly non existent for my whole adult (film) life..I didn't need it I had porn and drugs. It was easy dopamine, throwing in a extremely addictive personality and wallaa you have this smart,creative,funny guy with a warped view on sex and lingering crippling drug addiction. Fast forward a decade you have a dude who meets sweet women and ends up ruining their self esteem because I can't be a partner because of porn. They leave and my self esteem plummets to the steaming lakes of Mt. Hades in hell. The devil drinks it and starts a bellowing laugh that reverberates to my soul and yells PORN is LOVE that yell reverberates till this day. The addiction grows. I'm left with a ants worth of self esteem. I feel forever cursed with these vices. Never to truly have sex or love or live for that matter. But alas, a sliver of hope still resides inside this scared boy. Hoping to turn me into a man.

Porn is evil