i had a really nasty fent habit. i got off three weeks ago, and got through detox w a short methadone taper and a lot of meth.

the meth use overstayed it’s welcome. there are few things as depraved and futile as a junk box dosing meth like he would his dope. i’ve spent the last few weeks in an increasingly panic, paranoid, and malnourished state. my hair is thinning, my nostril is scabbed, and my face is breaking out from how much i sweat at work and in my car. i gave up completely and assumed suicide was the only option.

i bought a gram of dope yesterday, did a bump, and felt a wave of calm. i realized in that moment that i hadn’t felt a sigh of relief in weeks. it all came crashing down. the tranqs are god awful, h and oxy are extinct in the northeast, and even meth is a treat more than it is a daily vitamin. i don’t have that capacity of control.

i threw out my dope, but i have about 2g of ice in my car that pains me dearly to get rid of. i know this isn’t everyone’s experience on here, but i just can’t help myself if i have it. i can maybe get a couple days, never enough time. i’m telling myself if i really need more, i know where to get it. still, i couldn’t help but cry talking about it with my girlfriend earlier. it’s unbearable.

day one. only worse from here. gonna get a dab cart and buzz my hair, classic mental breakdown accessories. i pray i can escape this trap i put myself in.

be careful, love yourself, and whatever you’re doing, i hope you’re happy doing it.