What happened to me is the type of thing that changes your life forever. I’m typing this sitting on my balcony and crying, knowing that nothing will ever be the same. I have now to assume openly that I’m an addict and an alcoholic, which is what I’ve been trying to avoid my whole life. The mask fell down and I am exposed, judged and looked down on.

A week ago, I moved into the most expensive building in the city. This was my childhood dream. I’ve been keeping the same job for 1 year which is a record, and I owe it all mostly to meth. I have EXTREME social anxiety, and when I went to work sober, I had so many panic attacks that I wanted to quit, like I did so many times before. But when I tried going on meth, it was just perfect.

The thing is, I live in a neighborhood full of addicts and homeless, and this building is full of security cameras and a security agent 24/7 at the front desk.

I met the love of my life, Gerry, 4 years ago when he was begging for change next to the store where I started to buy my alcohol at 7 am. I had just quit another job during a panic attack, and starting to spiral into alcoholism. I got literally lovestruck by him, and I had the core feeling that this person was truly unique. I invited him home and long story short, he introduced me to meth and we spent a year together. He is severely schizophrenic, so he has a big fat disability check that he happily shared with me, allowing me to spend a year not working and doing meth and drinking all day and smoking cigarettes together. You might say that it’s a loser life, and it is, but it was the best year of my life. All I want is to leave society, have no obligations, stay inside with my boyfriend and drink and do meth and live online. He broke up with me cause I was always criticizing him for the most insignificant thing, and it destroyed me.

Fast forward a week ago when I moved into this building which is in the neighborhood where he’s been homeless for 8 years. We ran into each other and I invited him home. We’ve been apart for 3 years and during that time, I went to multiple rehabs and truly worked on myself. He quickly realized I had changed and it didn’t take long for him to ask me to get back together. We’re always in and out of the building to buy alcohol and dope, and he is looking obviously crazy and filthy and I’m mostly living in sweatpants with messy hair. We just don’t care about how we look. But yesterday management called me cause they got complaints from the residents cause he made them uncomfortable, and the security cameras and security guard are there to keep that type of people away. They told me they can’t kick him out, but MY REPUTATION WAS ON THE LINE. I simply didn’t care, but yesterday it hit me in the face.

We went out to get dope at midnight, and when we came back there was another resident coming in. We took the elevator together, and I looked at the resident and I saw him looking at Gerry with pure DISDAIN. DISGUST. FEAR. We smelled like alcohol and cigarettes and were tweaked as hell, and it was the first time in my life that I felt like I was judged for my true self, an addict and a reject of society.

Here’s the thing about Gerry: HE IS A TRULY GOOD PERSON. He has the right values and a very strong sense of morals. He never complains, he sees the good in everyone, he is patient, generous and despite him, truly funny. Yes he has hallucinations and live in his own world but he is always happy and satified with the bare minimum. He is just pure.

I was having a total breakdown cause seeing how the guy looked at us in the elevator, I realized that my reputation in the building was that my true self as a tweaker and alcoholic was out in the open, and the so-called elite of society wants me gone. I realized that I moved into this place purely by pride, ruining myself and living tight only to prove myself that I was living amongst the rich and that I was BETTER than the rest. I got it all wrong. My apartment is beautiful, but it’s just so stressful to be always careful to not make any scratches or damaging it in any way. I miss my old shitty apartment where I could just smoke inside and just not worry about a stain or whatever.

But here, in the fanciest apartment of the city, they make it clear that I don’t belong. There’s a security guard watching us going in and out, and the residents we pass by are disgusted by us. I thought I had finally moved up the social ladder, but what’s the point of living alone in a nice place if you’re always alone.

Gerry is the first person I’ve truly been myself with. I always lied and dressed well to hide the fact I’m a filthy addict. But he loves me for who I am for real. But now it’s out in the open and it’s shattering me to be looked down on. But living with him is the best thing that ever happened to me, but i have to assume that I’m an addict and my pride is totally pointless. I’m so ashamed of myself but seeing how Gerry faces the world being truly authentic and not caring, I just admire him and want to do the same. I work, I make money and I deserve to live here. Imma keep my head high and just assume my lifestyle, cause it truly makes me happy to do drugs and drink inside with my love, a person who is pure even if he looks scary and filthy. We are gross and high, we do nothing, but we’re happy.