I've never been one to take to public forums about emotional things. Usually, I just act like a sloppy slut, hooting and cat calling dudes on their make pictures or talking to guys about meeting up for sex. This is not one of those times.

Undoubtedly, I have been removed from my home due to an argument with my husband. I said some things I regret to this day and did some things I can never be forgiven for and don't expect forgiveness. For a very long time, I've been on one substance or another to help me cope with the fact that I'm a loser and can never amount to anything. I wanted to kill myself and was actively trying to do just that with anything I could ingest. My life was miserable. I had no job, a loveless marriage (with tons of infidelity on both sides) and no hope for a good future I'm either my own life or in ours.

What I didn't see was that maybe there was hope for us but there was no hope for me. I was at the end of a long string of negative benefits to negative actions I put upon myself. I just wanted to die because I didn't feel worthy to live. My husband would rather sleep with other men than to sleep with me. He'd rather be with other men than to be with me. I was the problem and I didn't want to be his problem anymore. He just didn't see that I was reaching out for help, begging for it. I just wanted him to be there emotionally for me. I could never get that fully.

What I did in return was to act badly, act as if I didn't care because I didn't. I didn't care for our life the way it was. It was damaged and ugly. I didn't feel love and maybe I didn't deserve it. I couldn't forgive myself and I still can't. I won't. I can't apologize enough because what's the point? It would fall on deaf ears. I've burned my last bridge and there's no way to get to the other side. In the last week I dreamed that I was being taught a lesson then stopped dreaming for the rest of that week until now. I'm an active dreamer; I remember the last majority of my dreams so this is unusual for me.

What's more interesting is that it took me being separated for 11 days for me to get a job that pays daily, get another job offer in my specific field and get the possibility to be back in an area not far from my home. Why is it that when I've got it the worst, the best things happen? I feel as if I have to suffer to gain the things I need in life. It's as if I can't have what I want and what I need; it's one or the other. Am I doomed to fail, only to rise again and have nothing to show for it? I may have security but I'll have no love life, no one to stand by my side and celebrate these occasions.

What's worse is that I can't even tell him. I can't speak to him or text or write or even go home to get my things. I have to be completely away from him. Nothing else matters and he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to see me. He doesn't want me anymore. And I don't deserve him back. I have the feeling he's seeing someone else and all I can do is wish him roses and cry. He deserves the very best and that was not me at the time. Am I different now? Completely. Will he ever know? Probably not. He'll never know because he doesn't have any of my social media accounts and he doesn't use them. I wish I could share everything with him so everyday I'll going to try to post something about my life, in the hopes that he'll see them and understand me a little more.

He knows my childhood was not a good one. He knows I've been in trouble before and I don't have anything to show from the efforts I've taken to enrich my line. I'm down-trodden, poor and have nothing. I mean nothing. I've got some fancy clothes but no reason to have them. I used things that are not good for me to hide my pain and dispassion with myself. As I said, I wanted to die. I hated my life. I hated myself and still do. I should love myself but when I do I lose the ones I love. And I do love him. I love him and our dog. And our home. There's so many things I miss and need back in my life; they're too numerous to name. I miss our bed, our shower and our great room. I can see every room in our house, every color I painted on the walls, every picture I hung, the carpets I laid, the fixtures I installed. I miss watering the plants. I miss cooking. And I miss him. So much.

I wish I could beg him to take me back right now. I wish I could show him the improvements I've made, the path I've taken to ensure my future is better; for us, not for me. I want to show him that I've been planning to send him money with every paycheck. I'd rather starve than to not give him something back to show how serious I am about this. I'm working hard to change things in the hopes he hasn't moved on. I really don't have any hope but I can at least think there's a chance. I can at least imagine that he thinks about me, that he cries because he misses me too. I didn't think he misses me that much. I think he's happier now than he's been before. I don't want to think about him being miserable. I'd rather be have someone new that makes him happy. If he's miserable, I'd want to die. I want him to be happy and loved and cared for as best as humanly possible. He deserves that.

I know what I deserve and I'm going to get it very soon. I've accepted it and I'm going to honor my judgement and serve whatever sentence I get. I don't expect him to take me back. I don't expect him to want me back. If he doesn't, I may just disappear. I may just leave without a word and disappear without a trace. I've got nothing and I'll go with nothing. He'll never have to worry about me again because I just won't be here anymore. This is a promise. He's the love of my life and I don't want to look anywhere else. There's no one out there that'sbetter for me and I don't want to look. I just can't imagine a world without him. I feel like my world has come to an end. I'm more unhappy than I was when I was using. My friend told me "the universe forgives me and I should forgive myself too". The universe does not forgive me because of it had, I would be with him right now. The best thing for me would be to be with him. The universe is telling me that I can never be back with him again and that I should accept it. I accept it; I just don't want to.

As long as we're away, I'll stay depressed. I won't smile, I won't laugh and I won't feel joy. I miss him so much. If I've got to live alone, my last days will be sober and sane of mind. To my husband: I love you so much. I've been a bastard and I never expect you to take me back. I don't expect you to ever forgive me. I don't expect that you'll still love me when I see you again. I believe you've had enough of me. I can't repay you for everything you've done for me, no matter how much money I send you. I think you want to cut ties with me and I deserve that. I'm an idiot and wise I just never felt that I deserved you because I didn't. Do I now? No, I don't deserve you now, either. I'm letting you know that I think about you day and night. I get signs about you all the time. I see your name in big letters everywhere I go. Even today, I bought clothes with your first name on it for my job, just so your with me everyday. I hope it was a good sign but, Knowing my luck, it's not. It's just a reminder of what I've lost and can never have back in my life. It's a cruel tease, a taunt and it's so deserved. I'll carry your name on my back because it's the most important name in the world to me.

Honey, you deserve someone better than me. You deserve a loving, kind man with a heart of gold. I'm a loser and you don't need a loser in your life. You need someone that's a winner like you. You deserve to be happy and loved and cared for; all those things I did not do. I did you wrong, babe. I've done enough damage to fill a lifetime. I've hurt you, which is unforgivable. I've lost your respect and your love. I've lost everything. Everything. And I'll never get it back again. Ever. God doesn't forgive me and neither should you. I damn sure don't forgive myself and never will.