I tried meth for the first time a year ago, and now i understand why certain people behaved the way they did.
An ex, a friend i made when i moved to the city.

I wouldn't say they were actively using, but I can see how and why their behavior seemed different, erratic, anxious, somewhat unhinged.

The only reason i tried it was because someone I dated did it in their past, and it's stupid but after we broke up I had the obsessive thoughts of what they might be doing, nothing good I assumed. Sometimes I don't know if i'm taken by delusion or if i just get obsessed over things and find patterns and clues everywhere. either way i sought and escape and i found something that "worked" for me.

The ex came back, worried about panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. There where a lot of conflicting emotions, unspoken needs and suspicion between us both that eventually resulted in another chaotic end. I spent so much time worrying and thinking about her after the break up, also upset that they didn't reach out to me sooner. After a chaotic end to their return into my life it all made sense. They where either actively using and hiding or had used more than they told me in their past that it has significantly changed their brain. For a moment i thought that maybe it was best that we stay together, but after thinking about it I realized it was a terrible idea. I can't hope or expect someone to change. I will always be suspicious, resentful and jealous, and I just wouldn't be happy and neither would they.

The source of discontent came from me not feeling appreciated, it was the same feeling that led me to drink and do drugs in the first place.

I used meth because it made the weekends alone easier, they went by fast, i was fixated on some spun horny bullshit, going out and being an all around degenerate.

But I feel I only did that as a way to get back at someone, but i was only harming myself.

So now im at a loss, it seems pointless. I don't use it for fun but more so to get over feeling depressed and being able to focus. I notice some enhanced focus but I don't really see any benefit that out weighs all the negative.

At this point im just trying to get by and use it to not smoke weed (been a stoner all my life) to get screened for ADHD to get prescribed adderall (california) regulations.

It's interesting, when I do meth I don't feel like smoking weed, I don't feel like drinking alcohol. So part of me feels that I just had ADHD all along and noone recognized or was able to help. Before I even tried meth I asked my doctor about it, but then there was the weed thing which cannabis was a hard one to give up because it helped me deal with depression and slowed me down from thinking (adhd).

Sucks that it had to get there. I wonder if there's any chance for me to try to live a normal life again. That's one of the big reasons why this breakup was so hard, because now i'm in my late 30's and the relationship felt like a step towards living a normal life.

For a moment I gave up, but now i'm finding that things can go alright if I give it some honest effort and treat myself with more compassion, respect, and love. All my life I hated myself, then somehow somewhere after a break up and being lost in the abyss I came to love myself. Maybe it was the meth, maybe it was just the way it stopped all the day dreams and imaginations. Or maybe it was just that I grew up, and don't care about other peoples opinion.

I don't know what i'm asking or what the end is for all I wrote. Maybe someone can understand, maybe someone can draw something from it to help them along.

thanks