Its the end of 4 days of meth and occasional fetty to level me out...The last 4 days i spent planning out how i was going to sit down and make a plan on how to get my shit together. I just fucked off a possible relationship because I immediately get 1000% invested which makes it that much worse when you realise they were not on the same level....the texts about future plans together and the pics was normal everyday conversation for 3 months and to think anything else is wrong....I definetly had it wrong i guess... but fuckk that...instead of planning anything i got stuck doing random things and avoiding human contact...i cleaned some...the placee is always clean. why cant i do the same for myself? why does the thought of sleeping in a bed and accually closing myeslf off from (what?) stuff i might miss?? The 3am GTA online session for 10 min? i can sleep on the couch when i physically cannot stay awake anymore. but acutally changing clothes for sleep and then getting under the covers and sleeping with no lights on....that shit now seems so taboo and honeslty scary to me now and that really scares me.....part of me doesnt want to "llet go, or shut the mind off" Why doesnt that feel normal anymore? IS my circadian rhythm gone forever? IS that why im bloating? and pale skin that doesnt even feel or look like its from someone with a pulse? in 2015 i just got out of the army where i was a mechanic but then also was airborne so i would get to jump and do the cool guy stuff here and there...2024 and i get anxiety walking to my car because i feeel like the neighbors are all staring at me and know just how worthless i am and that they don't buy my "got it together" front....i dont walk with my head up for more than a couple of seconds to get eyes on my car door or my apartment door.....my absolute best friend and only other living being that i make sure has a better life in every way than i do is my black cat that ex and i adopted as a kitten. ex bailed and the cat and i figured it out together and shes been one of the two reasons i dont just check out early. something i know i can do right and do whenever it is i want - im just too much of a pussy and after that i couldn't let my cat be taken off to a shelter or let out on the streets....im ranting. the left arms cold/almost numb from weird circulation i get when i dont get up for hours at a time some days...surprised i haven't had a stroke or heart attack at 35...Monday starts another week of this but i don't want to ...i need sleep. the black specks keep buzzing by my peripheral vision and have these sudden tics in my arms and legs and sometimes even moments of dizziness..everything looks hazey almost smokey and my eyes and nose are nonstop running for the last 12 hours ......its time to end this run...cant commit to the bed idea yet so ill just sit back and likely fall asleep sitting upright again ...wake up 8 hours later and hit the clinic and then what? sorry for whining about stuff...i see the how and why but i still cant/wont stop? my mind is rewired for good and it wont ever "unlearn or unfeel" the thingt it has...good or bad...it was never meant to experience that much high and that much low....good night