I have a head shop in my city that sells dried foot long lengths of San Pedro. I plan to get 4 of the thickest but driest lengths, as they all cost the same regardless of weight. if there are any indicators for what cactus is most potent (colour, shape, etc) it would be appreciated. the grandfather-like caring, loving energy that mescaline gives makes me feel like it would be willing to show me forgiveness and guidance to help me kick my addiction to the needle. DMT punched me in the face for my addiction, now I need something that will take me by the hand and help me look inwards to myself to find out how I can take the advice delivered as a brutal smackdown by the DMT. I plan to take it on new years. I just broke up with my partner of two years but they remain my best friend and housemate and I'll share the other half with her to take in a more... sane... method. but I will be boiling the mixture of it in vodka, slowly slowly until the ethanol is gone, and then draw up with a micron filter, one of the antibacterial ones.

there are so many things I need guidance on.

how to pick myself up and dust myself off and start working on myself to get my act together, clean myself up, have the patience to work on myself and get myself wanting to date again, and just generally get back to being a woman that isn't rightfully seen as a walking red flag by women I want to date.

healing myself from my trauma

finding the strength in myself to establish and maintain a routine that helps combat my depression

to fix the crisis that is happening because I have DID but my toxic alter integrated with me, the host, when I hadn't helped them heal enough for either of us to be ready for integration

and also just use that inspired and helpful feeling to jam out with my instruments

to try and remember what I was like before heroin and how to get back to that state once I've tapered off my methadone

and other intentions. I have 26 days to figure out all my intentions.

I mean, I have 14 freaking hours to explore these things (and to watch the fireworks from my balcony because the community housing program that put me in affordable housing gave me the apartment and location of my dreams - whenever I'm depressed I try to remember the impossibly massive gratefulness I have for this apartment, the community housing program I went through, and the people who made it possible for me to get in with said program), to jam, to grab my phone and my Sennheiser binaural mics and record a virtual tourism video of the revellers at the prime firework viewing area I live so close to - the ramblings of rich businessmen coked out of their minds in this exclusive area will make for absolutely hilarious! (I'll socially engineer my way in - I have fancy business jackets, a binder, fancy trousers and formal horse riding shoes and tell the guard I took a wander to clear my head and that I accidentally washed the stamp off my hand after going to the toilet or that my friend thought it would be funny to pull off my wrist band depending on what they ask for. I'm a good social chameleon for infiltrating the circles of the rich. my hand tattoo, I'll say I got as a teenager and regret it and say that's why I was wearing gloves when he asked to see my stamp)