The last three weeks have been the worst of my life... I swear to God if you would have asked me before thanksgiving I was the king of the world... I had a fiancee I loved and adored a beautiful daughter to come home to and have her smile light my world up beyond everything, a job that pays more than enough to support my family.. and a house I only have an empty house to come home to now.. My spiral started around April/may when someone I considered a father passed away and I shut down and put myself in a very unrealistic and unreasonable mindset to cope with the loss.. unfortunately the voices came back and started telling me everything was wrong... She couldn't possibly love you she's too good for you... You're not going to be a good father to your daughter you're only going to fuck up their lives worse than your parents did yours....and instead of doing the right thing and getting help and getting back on the meds that make the voices stop I embraced them I foolishly fell into their allure with them making me feel worse with each passing day and I let it build to the point where i started to push my fiancee now ex away from me... I was cold and callus I put other things before her.. I lied to her telling her everything was ok I told her that I would be ok I just need time to get better and it continued to get worse to the breaking point which was the night of Thanksgiving... Unaware I was in a manic episode, I began to drink... And drink.... And drink , and drink I was so sloshed by the time she drove her, our daughter, and myself home that there was a big argument in the car where thankfully our princess was asleep and didn't stir for any of it. And I don't remember much of anything from that night she says I never got violent with her but turned into an asshole she didn't recognize, said I used all of her insecurities against her and was just an absolute monster all around.... And I believe her... We tried to work things out after a few days break.. and it didn't go anywhere good she told me it was over and I lost my mind I was so distraught that I couldn't believe I was losing the person I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with, and you know what as much as it hurts I know I deserved it...to lose her to lose what is hopefully only temporary time with our daughter... I love these two beautiful ladies more than my own life and our little girl looks so much like here that she's going to be a reminder that I had someone so amazing and so pure, that she would have loved me through any bad day if I just talked to her.. that's all she wanted was me to lean on her as much as she did me but I was way too proud to admit there was a problem... I deserved to lose her and cry myself to sleep every night... I miss her and our daughter I miss her infectious smile her witty attitude and everything that made us fall in love so deeply and irrevocably. Please don't be like me if you begin to notice a problem please please please for the love of everything you hold dear get the help necessary because it can prevent a lot of bad things from happening to you... I will always love her and live to regret that she's gone make wiser decisions than I did because I swear on everything if I could go back and wipe it all clean I'd do everything to show her how special she is how much she meant to me and how much I will always and truly love her... The world will steamroll you if you don't do what you need to please consider your loved ones before you decide to surrender to the negativity... On a positive note I am medicated now and am trying to do everything i can to prove I deserve to be in our daughters life even if her mother isn't talking to me I love that baby more than my own life and will do anything to keep it to where she knows her daddy please for the love of God don't be like me, do better, fight harder, be the you the world needs to see..... That's it for me everyone have a wonderful night