Hey people, I’ve never been on this sub before and it feels a little odd to me to even be coming here in the first place. But I really feel like I just need to talk to whoever is listening.

I’ve suffered with on and off depressive episodes since I left school at 16 here in the UK. I’ve always been able to control it to some extent and tell myself that I can get through this to brighter days. But for the last few months now it’s been constant. Every day I wake up unmotivated, really down, feeling like I don’t deserve to be here.

I’ve found myself quite frequently looking online at different ways to end it all, the least painful ways etc. There have been a couple of times recently where I feel like I’m ready to do it, one time I walked to a nearby bridge and just stared over it for what felt like eternity, and the most recent time a couple nights ago I just sat there with boxes upon boxes of paracetamol, sleeping pills & co-codamol (definitely NOT the most painless ways I know, but what seems to me like the easiest).

Quite literally the only thing that has made me stop is thinking about my mum, the pain it would cause her. She’s the only person in my life I truly care about. People always tell you to speak up. But when I did this with friends, they all just say the same thing: “ have you got anyone at home you can speak to? Have you told your family?” So I tell my family. Then it’s “have you spoken to a doctor about it?” So I go to the doctor. They prescribe meds (3 different types so far, mirtazapine, Prozac and another I can’t recall the name of) that don’t work, in fact make me feel worse. They recommend counselling, which has a waiting list so long it’s pointless even trying. Then they also recommend talking to loved ones, family and friends, which then sends me back full circle to where I started.

I’m truly beginning to feel like there really is no hope. I’m stuck in a job I absolutely hate, I’ve no qualifications so all the jobs around here are the same BS customer service retail jobs, or factory jobs. I’m currently a healthcare worker in my local A&E department, which really has taken a toll on me with the things I’ve seen there. My grandad was rushed in unexpectedly while I was on shift, to then pass away right where I have to work and it is f***ing haunting every damn shift I go there. I was only given 3 days “compassionate leave” which may seem normal to some, but when it happened in the place you work, and you have flashbacks of your family devastated, crying, and a deceased relative lying there in the place you have to return to, it’s so hard.

On top of that, I’ve somehow managed to get myself into a few grand of debt that I’m struggling to pay back. Because of how I feel, I’ve also stopped all physical exercise and gained a lot of weight. I used to be in good shape, which allowed me to meet some really nice women over the years but now I’m feeling like I’ll be alone forever because no one would want anything to do with my fat ass. I guess I’m just not used to being alone.

I’m really ashamed of who I’ve become and it feels like there’s no way of turning around now. All I want is a job that makes me happy regardless of pay, heck even just a job I don’t mind going to. I wish I never got so in debt. I wish I never started eating myself to an unhealthy weight. I’ve no idea what to do anymore.

I’m sorry for posting this here. To anyone who takes time out of their precious day to read this, I’m truly grateful.