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Paranoia Back
Hey! So I currently have the diagnosis bipolar 1. I have had it for two years, with bipolar 2 having been the diagnosis for 2 years prior to that. Major depression before that. Iām a 21M who has struggled with gender dysphoria and OCD tendencies in the past. Well, through my bipolar ājourneyā I did some crazy stuff that was super risky and never seemed to care. I also struggle with memory issues when in an episode. Anyway, staring in January, I began to hear voices. The first time was when I was working as a cashier, and heard voices telling me I was gonna die. I felt so paranoid I quit my job and ran home right then and there but by the time I got home I was a lot calmer. Over the next few months I began getting paranoid my car was gonna break down (itās a 24 year old car) and the people following me (even if I couldnāt see them behind me, I knew they were there) would r@pe and kill me. Iāve been r@ped once when I was 17. By May, I started hearing whispers. Like armies having arguments in my ears. That was the first talk of schizoaffective. I started seeing angels and demons. One day I woke up and had a full on conversation with a dead girl. I got on better meds and things subsided by late June. I thought it was just one spell. Since then though Iāve been crying a lot and my crying has gotten way worse lately. Then, today, when I was driving - the paranoia came back. I felt like I was being followed and that the photos in my car were watching me. Once at church I calmed down a little, but I couldnāt focus on the service or prayers I was still nervous. On the drive home I could have sworn people were following me. I just donāt know what to think or do. I feel bad texting my therapist because I was doing so good when I saw her on Tuesday. I havenāt been super great at taking my meds, but in the last few days Iāve been super good at it. Any advice? Iām worried the angels and dead people will come back. In worried the voices will come back. Iām worried my parents will get even more stressed, as Iāve not been able to work due to bipolar related issues. They were so stressed when I confided in them about my delusions the first time back in June. What if they judge me?
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