I'm sorry about the huge amount of info I just want to be thorough.

Okay so, to start: Normally I'm one of the most anxious sons of bitches around, social anxiety through the roof, don't answer calls, go in shops, answer the door, talk to even my own family. It's been this way for a long time, over a decade, I'm 26 now.

A month ago I desperately took lithium orotate and started on an ssri at the same time, my gi system got completely messed up, I had crazy panic and insomnia that still hasn't been entirely corrected. So I stopped them both of course.

More recently I've been slightly abusing stimulants, not going crazy with them but having up to 300mg of caffeine and using a few 2mg nicotine lozenges through the day. My days mostly since, have been the best ones of my life.

Ive been on a family holiday, normally on these I'm miserable and don't want anything to do with anybody. On this one though i Played golf with my Granddad, went fishing by myself and did a bunch of other stuff. Since then at home I went to a driving range twice on my own and today I met someone on gumtree to buy golf balls to practice. Also 2 days ago I literally lost my virginity, at 26, after barely speaking to a female other than my mother for nearly a decade.

It seriously feels like it's the stimulants allowing me to do this, without them I'm like I said I was in the first paragraph.

When the stimulants wear off though, I think I get a comedown and they are Hell, I lose my sex drive completely, am ravenously hungry, nauseus, have the worst panic and shortness of breath EVER, am tired but not enough to sleep, get really bad tremors. It does not feel mental though because, during the daily activities, while I'm doped up I'm confident and symptom free. It's later on, I'm not thinking about anything in particular, like oh man, I messed up that interaction, that guy must think I'm a dumbass, no non of that but I get these symptoms...

Nothing I can do mentally seems to calm me down. I've mentioned all of this to a nurse twice and she's written me out the number for mental health services twice.

I also want to mention I've had CBT before and it did next to nothing for me!

Also I took diazepam yesterday, that lowers serotonin levels and slept well for the first time in a while...

I think I need to be on stimulant medication, now from reading this could you please tell me if you think it's all in my head and I'm seriously fucked up or if it truly is just my brain chemistry. If you agree with me I'll be quite happy but if not and think or know it's mental, I'll not be quite as pleased of course lol, but I at least know I have the ability to feel normal and can work towards it either way.

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant! 👍

Edit: I also seemingly can't really ejaculate while I have the symptoms bad at night.