Does anybody know if there’s a specific mental illness that this sounds like?

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had bad self esteem issues. I remember as far back as kindergarten and first grade I was convincing myself that nobody liked or cared about me, and that I was just a nuisance to every single person around me. I’d go to recess and walk around asking kids if they considered me their friend and if they actually cared about me. Regardless of doing this, I still felt that everyone hated me and that there was something wrong with me that I wasn’t aware of. When I was in third grade, I’d stand in front of the mirror trying to figure out if there was something wrong with my looks that made people hate me. I’d sit there wondering what I was doing wrong, because I felt like none of the kids actually liked me and stayed away but I didn’t know why. By 4th or 5th grade, I very vividly remember sitting at home telling myself things like “It seems like my only purpose in life is to bother everyone, so I wish I could disappear or something, nobody would care. They’d probably be happy”

Even now like 10 years later, I’m still constantly convinced that everyone hates me and that I ruin everyone’s day just by being around them and talking to them. I have a girlfriend, but ever since I met her, I always worry that she’s gonna suddenly leave me one day. I’ve had breakdowns over the tiniest things that make me overthink because I’m so terrified that she’s going to suddenly leave. I have so so so much trouble wrapping my head around the fact that she truly cares about me. I know she does, she can tell me over and over, but I’m so deep in self hatred it’s very hard for me to comprehend it.

I have several friends that will reach out to me and it’s clear they like talking to me but I tend to have trouble being able to open up to them so our friendships progress very slowly. I just feel very disconnected from them, it’s almost like they just don’t even matter to me because i’m scared somethings gonna go wrong in our friendship so it feels pointless to try to progress it. I just feel very disconnected from everyone and life in general atp. Yet at the same time, I feel very lonely and wish for more friends.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what this all could possibly be, it affects me every single day. I wonder if it’s something like BPD? Or a combination of things. I heard the term “quiet BPD” which really made sense to me in a lot of ways. But maybe it’s a combination of things. Idk🤷‍♀️