Lol I came back from a stroke about 3 years ago. I have memory loss. I struggled with walking. I get auditory hallucinations. I get frequent headaches. Get scans and nothing found. I've been stuck in the mental hospital twice this year. I'm grateful to have an adult watch me but also fml.

My long term partners is nuts and having mental issues of her own and she essentially is abusive. Physically and mentally because she refuses to get help. I tried to get her parents to help and they didn't do shit. Now she expects me to still go with her to her parents place for the holidays. I can't face them because I don't want to argue. I can't be with my partner because she always yells at me now. It's upsetting to spark such rage.

My own family is in another state but also I've always had bad relationships with them. It's all bad. I share DNA and nothing more.

My other ex gf is only my ex because she is bipolar and tends to dump me in he mania.

So I have been alone for the holidays. Since Valentine's Day of this year. The months of loneliness are piling emotions on me about me being a failed partner, sister, and friend. I can't stop thinking how terrible I am and how terrible I was. My ex partner says I should just kill myself too that I always fail at that and I just need to do it. I know she's pissed and doesn't mean it but I'm just tired now.

I'm tired of being alone. Entirely alone. I'm tired of being tired.

I keep seeing myself in my dreams. I keep killing myself in so many different ways. I used to be upset with myself and now I am certain I just accept it again.

The fact that I'm okay dying is proof that I can't trust myself again. I don't want to start the new year in a mental institution.

I don't think there's much to do anymore.

I fucked up so much and lol now I can't fix any of it. Old me prior to my memory loss made it so every choice I have is just rigged. Old me wanted death so much but wanted to suffer. I've been suffering and I'm so tired of it. A year and all those years before.

I hate myself. I want death.

I'm okay dying alone. There was no point in me ever trying to be nice and good. It didn't ever cause me joy. It didn't help me. It just wasted my time.

I don't want pain. I just want it guaranteed.

I have no idea.