Whenever i have the means and the ability i sometimes splurge and get things for myself. I dont do things like go out shopping or anything so im restricted to online shopping.

Im pretty sure when i do this that its possibly due to adhd and impulsivity but at the same time im able to leave enough for bills that may need my assistance and for food and stuff for my family.

I rarely have enough to do that most of the time because im constantly using my available funds to keep the house afloat which has caused me to develop a lack of awareness of what i need for myself. I can pinpoint some things but things like clothes, skincare, and things for stress but at the same time i struggle to figure out. I think because of this i cant live on my own ever because the last time i was in that state i was always confused when i went to the store and rarely ate and questioned if the food i was buying was mandatory.

I was however good at making sure if others needed my financial assistance ill be able to provide them with that.

Back to treating myself. Even if i spent responsibly leaving the rest for my family i feel terrible even if im able to get things for them that they haven't been able to get. Its like guilt even if its something like food for myself or tea that i need to relax. I guess i feel like they need the whole amount.

And in the past when i get frustrated with money. Because i wished it wasnt just me keeping the other funds flowing in. I have this quiet bpd like episode where i get angry but instead of getting violent i get severely depressed and moody and just get mad at them.

When i was offered a third job i didn't want to take it cause my plate is already full and i have breakdowns thinking about doing school and three jobs at the same time. They want me to do that and they say its the only option as far as keeping money coming in and ik we should take every opportunity but im so so tired and wish i could sleep in a soft bed for idk how many days.

I feel like sometimes i get mad and its a result from mental illness because in the good moments they tell me they want to find ways to bring in funds themselves and they dont want to struggle anymore. So when i come out of it i feel horrible for thinking they were not good. But at the same time its a possibility all the stress im under is causing me to loose a grip on reality and i hope thats not the case cause i still want to finish school. I have a 3.6 gpa and i dont want that messed up.

And ik people will tell me therapy and psychiatrist but as much as i would love to do that cause i know itll be beneficial i wasn't in the right place to do them when i tried the last time. And the journey of trying to find treatment options have left me being invalidate and ignored by alot of professionals. Even the hospital turned me away with self harm scars. Thats something i want but i dont have access to that proper treatment and ive been at this for 4 years

most of the stuff i get when i get when i do have the funds is comfort items i noticed. Dolls, stuff animals, stress balls and more recently music vinyls. Its the things like these that keep me afloat but again i feel like im not responsible when i get them. I feel bad because i feel like that shouldve went to my family.

And i dont know if having conflicting emotions around it and sometimes confusing ones is me not living in reality or if they are real feelings.