I quit my meds months ago (which I highly advise against without professional intervention) and everything just fell apart. I mean, it was already in the 7th level of hell when my sister lost her place and moved in with her kids turning everything upside down.

I feel like meds were the foundation my "house" stood on and I took that away. Now I'm buried in rubble and can't seem to get out. Thing is that the side effects outweighed the benefits despite the benefits being that I could eat, shower, have interest in things I used to. I mean last month I did see a psychiatrist and got a new medication but it's the same side effects as the old one and it scares me. I don't really know what it can do because I have medical anxiety so I don't see a doctor as often (not as if they pay attention to my concern anyway).

All I know is that the cure is right there on my desk, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of more panic attacks, more hypertension, more anxiety and rage. Thing is that I need to function, but I also feel like what's the point of me being functional and I live under a roof of 5 other dysfunctional people? That and I know that my mother and others would start exploiting that driving me to burnout again. So why get better?

I know I'd be doing it for myself but I hate me. It's probably the depression, but even when I was ok I still wasted my time and life not doing anything productive which explains why I'm behind everyone I know in life with no friends, partner and other trappings of normal adult life. I know it all circles back to taking meds but I'm afraid. Maybe it ultimately boils down to fear in the end. I'm just scared of everything.