Pretty much the title. Today I (26m) had to experience some really traumatic stuff and im having a panic attack and i don’t know what to do.

Sorry for the long post, typing it all out makes it feel more real.

My dad was a raging alcoholic and a drug addict growing up and emotionally traumatized my sisters and I for years in a toxic co-dependant household. Ive lost best friends and family members tragically. I’ve been the one to find the dead bodies of loved ones. Shattered my leg and had reconstructive surgery. Been addicted to opiates because of the injury and quit. I don’t believe in luck or karma or anything like that but people tell me my family has really bad luck. Horrible things happen pretty often that we couldn’t prevent or control. I’ve dealt with alot of my trauma with therapy, mindfulness and meditation. Anger management, FAA meetings and and honestly I’ve been in a good place for a while. Staying clean now and trying every day to put as much “good” into the world as I can. But today was awful and I just can’t process it and don’t know how to slow down.

So today…

Dad got out of rehab months ago and we have tried to build a relationship. He has been trying hard to stay clean and be better but his depression and anxiety are getting much worse which makes it hard to stay clean. Woke up to a late night voicemail and wanted to stop by to check in. He had a few hard seltzers that night but was honest at least. Told him he needs to stay clean or I’m done trying to help if he can’t help himself. Told him I loved him and just want to see him healthy. Left his place.

My mom texts me and my sisters to let her know our dog is sick. That dog has been with us when we were kids and grew up with us. Now that me and my sisters are moved out it’s my moms only companion. She finally found peace in her life away from the terror and all she needed was a place to stay and that dog. They go camping together, sleeps on her feet all day while she works from home, sleeps at the end of her bed. We got her so long ago it was before my dad went off the rails. She survived all of it together with my mom. 2 moves from rental, to appartment to escape my dad. Dog was gonna be 15 years old next month but had vet appointment recently and was healthy as an ox. Fit, lean, healthy, normal.

Apparently the dog had a weird stroke/seizure thing late in the night. My mom thought she was gonna pass overnight because the vet wouldn’t open until 8. But after a while the dog was back to normal and was taken to the vet anyway in the morning. After x-rays and blood work we are told there is a massive tumor in her pancreas. Inoperable as a successful surgery would only extend a young dogs life by 1-3 years and risks of bursting are high. If we do nothing it could burst randomly and she can suffer and die in pain and fear when we are not prepared. Could be 3 hours from now or 3 months. It’s awful but we decided it’s time to be put to sleep.

That’s when the shit started.

We call dad let him know about dog, he’s too far out and says go ahead without him. We ask if we should wait an hour but he said no. He loves the dog but knows she’s gotta be at peace. Me, mom sisters and I get to vet. We go in and dog seems totally fine. Not sick, not tired, not in pain. Perky, normal and alive. It seems so wrong. But doc explains again and we still decide to go through. After our time with her, vets come in and they try to inject her and it goes horribly. Vet couldn’t get her to hold back leg still, botches the vain and tries front leg. Dog is still freaking out and they botch the front leg and blow another vein. Sisters, mom are crying and terrified. Dog is hobbling after a front and back leg are giving out from the tiny bit of injection that got in. She’s afraid. We are trying to hold her down while she is fighting for life. We’re killing her in the most insane chaotic way possible. My mother looks like her own child is being murdered and sisters are a wreck. I’m a wreck.

I demand everyone stop and they get a sedative to lul her to sleep first. They finally agreed to get a mild sedative , wait 20 minutes until she’s asleep then inject her peacefully. Finally it is done and we have to leave her there.

We get everyone back to my moms house. We are devastated and mom doesn’t know what to do with her life. We don’t know how to help her. Dad calls. Asks if it’s too late to see the dog and postpone the appointment an hour. Break the news to him it’s too late. He accepts it and doesn’t even get mad. Offers his condolences and thoughts to us even when he is mourning too.

Now I’m home, by myself. Heartbroken, depressed and empty. I loved that dog with all my heart but I’m more upset about my mom having to go through it all. My sisters expressions of fear and my moms look of failure and devastation. My dad is even trying to be mature and kind but he’s hurting too and going to get pushed back into the deep end.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. I’m lost and just want to help. I’m always there to support them and help solve problems but I can’t think of anything. It’s like my brain is stuck on repeat of the whole day and I can’t get out. I’ve dealt with so much trauma in my life but for some reason I just can’t move past this. I just feel destroyed and lost.

If anyone has read this far, any advice would be appreciated. I just don’t even know where to go for help right now. This is all I could think of. Thanks.