HEAVY TW TW TW

TRIGGER WARNING INVOLVING SELF HARM⚠️

sometimes i feel like my existence is useless. i’m in so many discord servers and watch as people interact with each other, talk to each other, and enjoy each others presence. until recently, i just thought that no one liked me. but now i know that i just simply can’t use words correctly. i don’t think i can make friends or even interact with people more than a few times before they realize i’m not a person they want to be around. and it’s that way with everyone. my family, strangers, partners. everyone quickly realizes with me that it just isn’t something they can take for very long. the only time people spend a large amount of time around me is when i completely change my personality to fit theirs. but im unable to keep that up. i can’t keep a lie going forever. people always think i’m being mean or insulting them but i never am. i never feel like im intentionally trying to be hurtful.

HEAVY TW TW TW

TRIGGER WARNING INVOLVING SELF HARM⚠️

LAST WARNING

i feel mentally unwell. i used to cut so much and i loved showing it to people. and not for attention really, mostly just so they could be proud of me because that meant i wasn’t hurting anyone else. i used to feel so happy that since i’m hurting myself alone that meant no one else was being effected by my lack of social ability. that was and is my only coping mechanisms but my partner won’t allow it. she takes everything sharp away and i haven’t had any sort of emotional release in so long because i’m the “responsible one.” i used to ask people to make me cut however they liked. and used to do it for them, however they liked. no one is willing to help me, no doctor, no therapist. i’ve went to the hospital with my arm wrapped in gauze and bandages and the most they’d do is let me talk to a therapist on an ipad and send me home. the last time i had a breakdown i was sitting in the shower holding my arm on the little shelf in there and begging myself to do more and deeper. i was giggling and laughing and crying. i was so happy. no one will ever let me do that. no one can ever make me feel that happy. ever. i don’t know what is wrong with me. i’ve sent this stuff to psychiatry specialists via email and no one will see me. they all refuse to. pain is my only way of feeling a state of happy. watching myself being hurt is the only thing that makes me feel like i’ve helped anyone anywhere. i refuse to be around children now because i’m afraid of them becoming like me. i’m afraid of people seeing me sad because i’m scared they’ll be like me. i’m scared to be in a relationship because everyone i’ve been with has threatened suicide so many times and the only thing i can think when they say that is that they don’t have any idea what pain feels like. they don’t know. they all have family and friends who offer them financial, mental, social help. they’re allowed to get help. so how would they know what being suicidal actually is. they’re all given options. i miss being a kid and people caring about what i say. i miss being able to talk to my parents and siblings without them looking at me like i don’t have anything good to say. so if one day i just never come online again, even though no one who reads this will notice, i’m sorry that i couldn’t do it anymore.