Apologies in advance cause I feel like this is just gonna end up being a lot of venting.

So, as the title says, I find it very hard to feel or care about anything anymore. Like I do care about people and some things but just... it's not the same. I just don't care about life as much as I think I used to if I ever did. Only a few years back did I realize that how I feel isn't normal. That not every kid was thinking about ways to kill themself (I'm 19 now and still have these thoughts).

I guess the whole reason I'm writing this post is mainly in reference to the chaos in the world right now and in my own life. I just finished my first year of uni for astrophysics and am thinking that maybe it's not what I want to do but I don't know what I would want to do because I just don't care about life anymore. I don't see much hope for the future. And then there's all these issues with gender equality and women's rights and racial equality and just... I find it hard to care. Don't get me wrong, I definitely do see the importance and... care... sorta, but like I just do t see the point in it I guess? Like why are these even things we have to be arguing? Why do I have to care about these issues when I feel like they shouldn't even be issues? And then when I try to think about them I just can't because I don't even care about living anymore.

I feel like I've gone around in circles and probably haven't conveyed exactly what I wanted to but I hope what I'm saying is making some sense.

Also I've tried to get help. I want to get help and I want to be better, get better, but it seems like everytime something is looking up, I get thrown back down further. And then everything needs money! I want to go back into therapy but I can't afford it. I want to get proper mental assessments but I can't afford it. I want to be able to take time off to focus on my health but I can't afford it. I want to eat enough but I can't afford it.

I just feel so hopeless.

Anyways, I think I've probably ranted enough and idk if this will help at all or... just idk.

I'm writing all this after getting into a disagreement with a friend because I just didn't feel the same way about the "hate all men" thing. Like why can't we all just get along? Why does someone always have to be the enemy? Can we not focus on things without belittling others or another cause? Like I feel like I should be able to support women's rights without feeling comfortable with the "hate all men" stuff. Maybe I am in the wrong? I honestly don't know anymore. So many people and things are telling me I'm wrong and I'm starting to think that I'm the issue. Is me not being able to care about these things just because I'm the problem? WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL?

Gah! I hate life. I didn't chose to be here and yet I have to pay and suffer through it all because some people might be sad if I die. And all this issues weren't even my fault and yet I'm being blamed for them?! I didn't take away rights, I didn't sexually assault people, I didn't enslave people, or murder innocent children, and yet I feel like I'm the one responsible. I don't know.

Okay I think I'm actually done now. Sorry if this doesn't follow the guidelines and for the venting and idk if this is even that big of a deal or I'm stupid for not realizing that I am the problem or just yeah. Anyways, I guess just sorry in general? I really don't even know what I'm doing, I'm so lost and confused and numb.