There used to be a plan. After I first got introduced to anxiety and depression at work, I quit, got on anti-depressants and went to therapy. I bounced around therapists for a year or two before getting an appointment for an actual psychologist. I talked with her and improved somewhat... somewhat.

That was close to seven years ago. I'm 27 now. I work part-time for my dad and not much else. I'm still on anti-depressants. Recently, I thought about increasing my dosage as I've been feeling like crap. I'm a lot more anxious--and more depressed. Then I saw some headline about how long-term anti-depress usage might alter the brain. I saw another headline about serotonin overdose, risk of stroke, and now my fuckin' head's spinning. I can't quit the anti-depp now, I feel like shit on them, and I would wager I'd feel even worse without them.
But there used to be a plan. I'd get over my depression and my anxiety. After all, I'd gone twenty years without it. But that was seven years ago and I ain't over it. I'm still on the pills, and yet now I'm afraid of being on them. And when I'm afraid I feel dizzy.

I don't know what's next. All I know is that a normal life seems impossible. And I know that it ain't, but still. I got depressed because I worked a job I hated. I got anxious to the point that I threw up, and though that hasn't happened in years, I'm still afraid of it. I don't see a future where I can work a normal job and not hate it. I don't see a future where that hate doesn't turn to anxiety and panic attacks and throwing up. Whenever I'm at a store, I wonder how people can spend their lives doing that kind of shit and not just lay down and die.

The problem is that I wanna be a writer, and until then everything pales in comparison. I hate everything, and there's every chance I won't become what I want to become. And so, how do I live that kind of life? I don't see a future where I am content. And that's making my head spin. I don't see a future where I'm not taking anti-depressants. But what'll that do to me?

To be clear, I'm not in any danger of self-harm, but fuck I'm just so goddamn afraid.