Some context - I was recently in a psych facility for a week and during my time there I faced one of my biggest traumas: getting my abusive step dad to stop being in my life. It was hard, but I did it and I'm finally burden free. However, three weeks out of psych and I'm going downhill hard. I started smoking weed again after being clean for three months. Then, my creative writing started getting a lot more violent and gory. I'm in the medical field and always called myself a bit of a "gore whore," but the other night I got high and ended up watching 3 hours worth of cartel, torture, murders, etc. And I felt nothing but clarity. My head wasn't loud like it always is, it was quiet and clear. When I realized how I was feeling, I immediately stopped watching the videos. Ever since, all I can think about is watching more. It's made my mood at home and at work change dramatically. I feel like I'm all over the place and so easily set off. My skin and organs "itch" and make me want to hurt myself. I'm also starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes again. I'm trying to get into therapy, but it's hard. I just don't understand the point of living and suffering through all this if we're just going to die anyways. At the end of the day, we're incredibly fragile and could go at any moment. I don't know. Thank you for letting me vent and ramble.