I wrote this in a journal. This sub doesn't allow pictures so I'm transcribing it. I wrote a list of all the things I struggle with within myself over the last year or so. I expect to be judged for some of this stuff, and my name is Josh for clarification.

Modern Life as Josh 3/19/22 - Neglect needs - Bend the knee to whims - Desperate endorphin chase - Never ending cycle - Frequently distracted - Full analytic understanding of issues; no effort all talk. Knows and has lived solutions but won't act now. - Frequent reminiscence of childhood; better days - Living in his head - Compulsive liar - Fat - Alcoholic - Chainsmoker - Fiscally disastrous - "Work hard, play hard" to justify bad choices - At least one emotional breakdown a day - Becomes codependent on partners; becomes emotionally unhinged when they leave - Doesn't respect others or their belongings - Hedonistic life - Self absorbed - Animal abuser - Cheater; unfaithful - Low self esteem - "puffer fish" ego coping mechanism - Feeling like no one cares - Consistent envy of success that isn't my own - Doesn't take his prescribed meds, opts to drink - Belligerent at any inconvenience - Hates to be asked to stop doing anything; usually doubles down on behavior in retaliation - Always sarcastic/condescending - Seeks professional help sometimes but doesn't pay them - "F*ck everything, always" attitude.

I have no clue how to even begin helping myself. I have deemed myself beyond help. Actually totally given up on myself. Idk what I even expect from anyone but I'm expressing myself somewhere.