Hi all,

Some context in to the below is; I've decided to try to express myself in creative writing as a form of therapy (along side my counselling) to try to come to terms with some things in my life and to help move on from them. to help with my anxiety and depression.

I'm doing this in the form of writing a story about my experiences but as a third person to try to visualise myself as someone else.

I wanted to post the first chapter, that I have just written because I found writing this so far really good and I wonder if anyone else may find it relatable, or want to hear more or may inspire them to try it themselves

Now I am aware my spelling and grammar isn't the best - but this is a therapeutic exercise not a submission for an English exam.

TRIGGER WARNING

The below mentions a lot on anxiety, depression, manipulation, gaslighting and raw feelings surrounding all these. Please do not read if you feel this may trigger you.

If you have any comments, please be kind - As I say I'm not asking for critiques but just sharing the start of my journey to self acceptance and maybe someone will see it and it may encourage them to do the same.

Thank you in advance

CHAPTER 1: Sunday night

It's 5 to midnight on Sunday night and she has laid in bed attempting to sleep for a good half an hour. This is unusual for her as she is known for being about to sleep at any time at the drop of a hat.
I'm sure the bottle of cherry Pepsi Max used to wash down her anti-depressants and Ibuprofen just before bed hadn't helped. Nor the fact that she woke up at 6pm from her 2nd nap of the day. But still, the more commonly known Sunday night blues has made an appearance and isn't shifting any time soon.

Her mind wanders to conversations that never occurred but wishes she could have had. Conversations with people who, if she is lucky, she will never bump in to again, let alone speak to. Part of her wants them to know exactly how she feels, exactly how their actions and words made her feel and how they still resonate 10 years later. She can't. She also does not want them to know how they still are a part of her life and still consuming so many hours of it and her energy each and every day.

If she ever spoke to these people again and would even start to talk about any of the things she remembers of their conversations and lives they once shared so closely together, all the manipulation, the neglect, the using of her to get something else, the complete disregard for her as an individual, all the spiteful comments and underhanded criticisms which they projected as 'compliments' would just be shaken off in true gaslighting form.

For them it would have been Tuesday, for her it was extreme social anxiety, nerves and fake smiles at going to meetings with other people, having to swap seats to sit next to strangers to network, talking with confidence and passion about things she knew nothing about (or, if she listened to her heart, cared about). She is the one who felt the pressure to perform so far out of her comfort zone for their benefit that she would change in to a better person.

For them it would have been a standard Monday, for her it was being ghosted in the queue to get in a club because they knew she didn't have her ID and looked too young. So, when she inevitably failed the ID check by the bouncers they weren't associated with her and got in. She is the one who felt bad, she is the one who felt guilty that she had to go home, alone, and leave them in the club with their friends. To her she had abandoned them. Even though they didn't text or call her for a day or two afterwards, she is the one who felt like she let them down.

They know nothing of how they made her feel and how much she remembers every single detail. Nothing of how 10-15 years later she still cannot sleep at night because she wonders what she ever did to deserve to be treated as an inconvenience and irrelevant and cries because she wonders why she ever had so little self esteem that she not only let them, but didn't even know it was happening.

This then escalates her mind to the many other things which contributed to this level of mental instability and loss of identity and self acceptable. Work. From unemployment to interview rejections and from bullying and manipulation from management to 'off the cuff' comments on her image work has in one way or another affected her confidence and self esteem to levels that allowed her to be taken advantage of and mentally abused in friendships and for her to think that was acceptable.

She ruminates over a comment made by a colleague 16 years ago, when she got her first ever piercing. Her labret. The colleague looked at her and said 'what have you done? You had such a pretty face before'. This wasn't the first time in her 19 years of being alive that she had heard questionable judgements said to her about her image and it wouldn't be the last. But it it certainly one that stuck.

That colleague probably forgot she even said anything the next day and certainly would have forgotten her existence after leaving that part time job a couple of months later. She remembered her though – had forgotten her name but can see where they were standing and what she looked like exactly as it was all these years later.

That colleague was probably in her 50s at the time so if they are still alive it won't be keeping them awake almost every night wondering if there really is something wrong with the way she looks.

This links the thoughts to a specific failed interview about 6 years later. Now about 25 and with a lot more work experience under her belt and slowly moving out of customer service and in to office work – where she was comfortable and knowledgeable.

Never had an interview gone so well for her. She smashed all the requirements, giving great examples of experience, asking questions, having great rapport with the interviewer who would be her boss. Before the interview she had taken out her one lip piercing and worn a long sleeve shirt to hide the one band logo tattoo she had on her forearm.

She mentioned about these in the interview but said she was happy to keep the tattoo covered up and her piercing out in work hours if that was the policy (this was a lie, she was not in anyway happy to do this but knew it was unprofessional to show tattoos or piercings in any job, including offices). The interviewer said it would be fine with her but the policy does state they would need to be covered up and taken out – She said that was not a problem at all.

The phone call came a few days later from someone else (who had not interviewed her) to say she had not got the job. When she enquired why, they told her because she had piercings and tattoos and that was all the feedback she got.

This led to absolute drunken annihilation that weekend, ugly crying and screaming at friends. They had no idea, she told no one other than her partner. She felt ashamed and embarrassed. She felt so ashamed for who she was and how she looked. She felt such rage and anger for this discrimination.
This rage and anger refuels and consumes her Sunday night, she relives every ounce of those feelings or hurt, embarrassment and anger.

It is now 10 past midnight. Only 15 minutes has passed yet her brain as gone through the emotions of reliving and re-feeling sadness, guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, worthlessness. Those feelings are still live and are now festering within her and she is finding it hard to separate from them. The feeling are so raw she feels like she really does not know what to do anymore and is so desperate to feel different so many years of her identity being chipped away at. She doesn't know who she is.

20 years; 8 years of medication, 6 different bouts of CBT and counselling, 12 jobs, 9 lots of unemployment, 2 friendship breakdowns, countless Drs appointments, waiting lists and medication variations, untold amounts of interviews and rejections, a handful of anxiety attacks, rivers of tears and 1 absolute ground zero rock bottom mental breakdown.

She does not know who she is, but one thing above all, despite everything she is fed up with feeling the way she does and wants to work on herself, she wants to find out who she really is, embrace her and be proud of herself.

Her name is Ray and this is her journey to overcoming being her own worst enemy and to take her power back.