Hi folks.

It's been such a difficult 6 weeks and I am really not having an easy time. I need to just talk with someone about it, tell someone what's been happening because I feel like I can't hold it all inside me.

First my boyfriend got covid, which wasn't so bad on its own, but we couldn't see each other for 10 days. He wasn't too sick, but it was hard for him because he's a social person and it wasn't easy for him to be isolated for that long. I delivered him groceries and we said hi to each other from 10 feet apart outdoors with our masks on. It was so sad.

Then it was christmas and I just couldn't wait for it to be over. My boyfriend was finally out of quarantine but we were both in low spirits so we didn't do anything, but I still had to go and spend a day with my family which I didn't want to do. They just exhaust me.

Then, a few days before new years, my boyfriend started to feel sick again. This is when things started to get really bad. He isolated and the next day he was feeling really really sick, and tested positive for covid a second time, after having just recovered a week before. This time he was so sick and I got really scared, he called me crying because he was so sick and distressed and there was just nothing I could do, I had to be strong for him and just try to help him calm down but it was terrible, he was so ill and it wasn't possible to see a doctor because the hospitals here are overrun. He was really really ill for about 6 days and the worst part was that after 5 days, his work made him come back because they twisted the CDC guideline and made people show up to work after 5 days out even if they were still feeling sick. It was so hard, I was so worried he would get pneumonia and there wouldn't even be any doctors to help if he needed it. I love him so much, I waited a long time in my life to find someone like him and he's absolutely everything to me and I was just so afraid something would happen to him.

Then, of course, both his roommates also got covid, so even after he recovered we still haven't been able to see each other yet. Finally today they are all recovered and out of quarantine so I get to see him tonight when he's done with work. But I'm not having an easy time now either. I don't know if it was the stress of it all or what, but I had a flare up of an old MRSA infection that I had 4 years ago. I knew I should go to the doctor on Monday, and that it wasn't so bad it couldn't wait one day, but then last night I woke up in one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. I got so scared, I was all alone in my house and I was hot and cold and clammy and my heart was pounding and I got so frightened I almost went to the emergency room, but it was the middle of the night and I know they're overrun with covid patients anyway so I didn't know what to do. I tried to calm down and it didn't work very well, I was up until 5:00am when I finally slept for a few hours. But every time I would fall asleep, eventually I'd wake up with a start and gasping, like I couldn't breathe. It was so scary and I just felt so afraid that something really bad was happening but I didn't know what to do.

This morning I had to go to 3 different urgent care before anyone could see me because like everywhere else, they were all totally overrun. A very kind nurse gave me antibiotics and told me what to do but she said my blood pressure is high, and that made me worry. I'm not old or out of shape, and never had any problems like that before. She said it's probably from anxiety and the panic attack but still it's freaking me out. I have to take 10 days of a really strong antibiotic which is probably going to make me really sick, too.

I just want to cry. I want to cry and cry and let all of this emotion out of me, but I can't. I've always been the strong one and I just don't want to be strong any more, I want to break down and release all of this sadness and fear from my body and let someone else take care of me. I don't know how though, I can't get it to happen, so I've just been in bed most of the day now trying to rest and stay calm. I have no appetite and food sounds like the last thing I care about which is weird because usually I'm a stress eater, so I know it's bad when that isn't even working. I just want things to get better. I can't believe how difficult it's all been lately and I'm just feeling like how much longer can we do this? All of us. The situation in the USA is so bad right now, everyone I know has covid, everyone is at the end of their rope barely hanging on. It's so hard.

Thank you for listening, I really appreciate it. I do have a therapist too but sometimes talking with strangers helps more. I just needed to write this all down in one place and if you read this far and can spare just a few words of encouragement, that would help me. Thank you.