I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow after months in therapy. Well I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was like 13. I’m 26 now but it’s worse. My job is toxic and I’m looking for new ones, but I’m also stuck in a cycle of having panic attacks and then feeling guilty and just undesirable after them. I start to compare myself to people I don’t even know on Instagram that my boyfriend follows and also girls at his work. I think to myself “you’re such a mess and you bring him down so much, he probably enjoys his coworkers more than you” and it keeps me in this cycle.

My self esteem has hit an all time low because of my anxiety and depression, feeling not good enough for him and that he will leave. I don’t tell anyone about my struggles outside of him and my family because I don’t think anyone will understand and I for some reason just don’t feel comfortable telling friends. I don’t really have many close friends anyway so it’s like why bother opening up to them if I can barely be a good friend in the first place.

Basically, I’m at the point where I’ve had so many breakdowns lately I can’t redeem myself and that my boyfriend is just getting so tired of it. I don’t feel like the vibrant happy woman he first met and that grief is consuming me too. I just wish I could feel that way again. Even if I did, I fear he would just remember this part of me.