Almost 33F with Asperger / "high functioning" autism. I think I've said everything I needed to in previous posts regarding why I'm depressed and my life is shit. I even gave myself a 60-day deadline. But I'm thinking of making it much shorter now because even that plan didn't comfort me at all. I did whatever I could to distract myself yesterday and nothing worked. I don't get any energy even if I drink lots of coffee and coke and eat whatever I want. I can watch anything on Netflix and nothing makes me the least bit happy.

I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday and I plan to get a prescription of really strong meds so I can overdose them once or twice instead of taking them in small doses. My sleep meds don't work on me anymore even if I take 4x the regular dose. It's been like this for months and the only reason I avoided the doctor was because I am absolutely certain that I will abuse my meds. I even overdosed on pills and vitamins, whatever I could get my hands on. We had some emergency Ivermectin in the house, and it was so hard not to take the whole batch in one go. Mom wondered why I took one every few days when I wasn't very sick. I said I was just being careful not to get covid but really I was just careful not do drink 5-10 at a time.

I know those little meds won't kill me immediately. I'd been abusing meds off and on since 2019, and my physical health has suffered a lot since. But when I followed doctor's advice and took antidepressants properly, I gained 15-20 pounds in two months and couldn't fit into a lot of my clothes. I don't trust doctors anymore, all they did since 2005 was make me feel sicker. I've just been a guinea pig ever since and none of them took responsibility for ruining my health. I even developed asthma again, after at least 15 years of not having it. I didn't even remember having asthma as a kid, so I had to be hospitalized as a 20something when I had a persistent cough that wouldn't go away. It was asthma and it could only have been the meds. I was fairly active before seeing psychiatrists, I was in sports teams in school, exercised regularly, tried to be outgoing, and studied hard. Had dreams and goals and took care of myself, I did everything I could for nothing.

Now I can't do anything anymore, and nothing makes me happy anyway. I can't fool myself anymore, and I'm not buying the false hopes people give me when they can't take responsibility for turning me into a lab rat and ruining my health. They don't have the guts to admit they're wrong about me and no person in authority has ever apologized to me for making my life a living hell. Well I'm not going to be fooled again. My life isn't worth living, and that's that. Stop feeding me lies if you're not going to helpful in the long run. I'd been socializing and adjusting to others all my life and I'm the one who suffers when I fail, all the pressure is on me and nobody wants to understand me. Neurotypicals run the world any way they want, they can get away with murder and corruption and war while I hate myself forever when I offend somebody unwittingly. That doesn't sound fair but that's how my life is, being different and broken. People are just lucky I don't have the means to become a school shooter. All I can really do about it is to off myself. I hate society, I hate my life, I'm done. Goodbye.