This is going to be a long post but I’d really want some input/perspective regarding the human condition.

So the reason I want to vent on here is because of the hope that I can possibly uncover a possible explanation for why I think the way I do and if it could be a mental disorder or is this a natural way of human existence or am I just that unusual.

But naturally I believe that I am a very positive person, I tend to think about too many things at once, I get overwhelmed, I make sure that I’m not hurting anyone, I make sure that I do the right things, I stay out of trouble, I’ve got pressured in my teens to do good in school and get the best grades, I’ve dealt with low self esteem for many years and I procrastinate and enjoy constant stimulation even though I have many goals in my life that I want to work towards but I lack the motivation.

Lately my mental health has deteriorated in the beginning of this year, had a progressive anxiety attack into panic attacks where I eventually went on Zoloft because it was my last resort. So far I’m doing great and my mental health is slowly getting back but I still have concerns.

The way I function seems like it can be a concern, I think about myself as a living and breathing human being moving and doing things in the world and it’s almost as if I’m looking at myself through another persons eyes. Sometimes I’ll think about how I look like through other peoples perspectives, and I think about how everyone exists and looks through their own perspectives and that makes me slightly anxious for some reason. Intrusive thoughts have also been an issue, to which I self diagnosed myself with pure o, I get scared when I have violent thoughts or thoughts that go against my character and I occasionally look for reassurance through watching violent movies or news reports about terrible people and I get comfort knowing that I would never do such things.

I find it weird that I exist and that we all exist, and I’m just feeling like I keep trying to justify so many things in my life. Idk does anyone feel the same? I’m jealous of people who have a drive and don’t have to think about these existential things.