For the past few days if been feeling very sluggish and unmotivated, and crying by myself with no comfort really.to the point that it scares me and now I feel like if I dont do something soon I'm gonna have some type of mental breakdown. I even had a dream about having one in public and I dont want that😖

Theres just one problem with me fixing this and it's due to a vicious cycle that I put myself through heres a vent that I wrote the other day to kinda put some things into perspective.

Even if you feel like everything in your life is meant to make you feel worse whether that through friends bragging about getting dated and getting boyfriends, and having fun valentine day activities, while you sit there like a sad piece of shit because at this point you feel like your just not pretty and too weird because you still like stuff from when you were a kid and cant get over the fact that your an adult now all because you spent your childhood trying to be perfect and obedient otherwise you'll get kicked to the curb like your other siblings. And it's so bad that you still do that and it's now hard for you to make design for yourself because you feel it's the wrong decision itll just make your parents mad so dont just obey.

And now while everyone else thinks(oh she just wants a bf/partner because everyone else has one) when in reality all you want is for someone to love you and someone you can be your full self around, someone to share your favorite things with, someone who doesnt constantly dismiss your mental health, someone who wants to be around you all the time, and has the time for you, and understands you.

So with all that I think that I'm just looking for a happy place, a place to be able to heal with someone who allows me to do so and I can feel comfortable doing so with. I realized it's bad to the point that I'm romantically attracted to clowns(yes circus/birthday ones). I'm so afraid to mention anything about how I feel to anyone because I had an incident happen with a friend and she got furious with me and told me to go to therapy. So I literally feel if I have any emotional problems no matter how severe I have to save it for a therapist. But I have so much bottled up that I cant even address everything during sessions that I do go to. By time a months worth of therapy sessions have passed the original issue is lost and I'm back to square one.

At this point I'm not sure how to manage therapy or my own mental health and it's very stressful and tiring and I wish I had more time to breakdown things in therapy and had more time to focus on my mental health but I'm stuck being a perfect little girl as well as learning to not worry about the bad stuff that's going on in the world. But I really cant control that worry. I truly cant.