Whenever I sit down to start my day I always go thru the 5-24 hour loop of.... Who knows what the hell I'm doing. I know for a fact I'm writing this post instead of doing something productive.

Its like, one of the many things that is holding me back is the "Weekend adjustment" period. Like I hate my "job" if you can call it that. It's an unfair situation and very stressful since I'm such an anxious person. I have Friday-Sunday off. Fridays I just sit at my desk and try to figure out WHAT I'm doing like, what project I was working on, what should I prioritize, etc etc. So Saturday I'm good like, I can get shit done.

SUNDAY HOWEVER. No. I'm freaking out, lamenting my life, nothing I've tried has really helped me get over this funk. Because I have to re-adjust to my job.

Then Monday-Thursday my brain is off. I don't do anything except my job. I work from when I wake up to 9:30PM. It's around a 8 and a half hour to 9 hour "shift". I know normal people work 8 hours shifts and still push to their dreams but I'm just so tired afterwards all I can do it wind down for 2 hours then go to sleep. I wish I could push forward and spend an hour a day on my passions but... ugh.

Aside from that, when I look at the things I do and want to do its like, no point. It's either not good enough for me and I know I could do better because I HAVE done better when I wasn't like this. Or its literally pointless. Like I gain nothing from this, not ever enjoyment like. I've done a Self Assigned Task. Yay?

Its because I have like, a much larger goal I want to work to but with how messed up I am I can't put in the time needed to make it work so why do I try? I just need to get a normal job not play pretend like I'll be able to do something cool. And everyyyyyone around me knows what I do is pointless. My family has been like :/ to what I want to do since I was 12 (23 now).

I just feel like I keep making a fool of myself with every passing moment because I'm all talk when it comes to my passions. My existence is embarrassing and I shouldn't even try to do these things let alone talk about it. I need to just hold myself in storage until I'm needed for my job so I can make people happy with me. I shouldn't do any other weirdo shit. It's like an addiction. Like real addiction I too look at it and go "Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal"

Of course this is all an over-dramatization that would be solved if I could just focus. What a miracle that would be.