I've actually been typing out this post for hours, deleting it, retyping, deleting, thinking about how minor my hurt is compared to so many people.

About 12 hours ago, 4pm here in the UK, my Granny died. She died alone on a COVID ward, none of the family were allowed to be with her. She is the mother of 8 kids and has almost 30 grand and great grandchildren, and I keep thinking about how confused she must have been that none of us were there in her final moments. Most of the family don't even live in the same country, and those of us who do live far away - Granny lived in London, my brother and I, for example, live in Bournemouth on the south coast over 100 miles away. Due to the lockdown restrictions most of the family will not be able to attend the funeral.

I feel awful that I couldn't say goodbye, that I won't even be able to pay respects at her funeral. The last time I actually spoke to my Granny was when I was recovering from pneumonia and being in a coma myself, even though she could barely understand me because at the time my speech was severely affected from brain damage and the ventilator, she was so happy that I was recovering. Knowing that she was in almost the same situation - pneumonia, then contracting COVID, then in a coma on a ventilator - it hurts knowing that until an hour before her death I had no idea she was in that situation. I realise that had I known I still wouldn't have been able to speak with her or help in any way, but I still feel overwhelming guilt that I survived what killed her but wasn't able to relieve any of her suffering. I was surrounded by friends and family through my illness but Granny had no-one but strangers! It's so cruel and unfair!

It feels like I haven't stopped crying since yesterday afternoon, I can't sleep, and when I tried to eat I was immediately sick even though it was just a plain baked potato. My heart hasn't stopped racing, and my head is hurting almost as much as my chest. I'm thinking about asking my doctor if they would prescribe Diazepam, something I've had in the past, because I really don't know how to calm myself down right now. I have propranolol, but it's not helping at all.

I don't really know what advice I want, I am just hurting and hoping that my doctor can help with the grief, I just don't know how to explain it to them.