So it seems that 2020 isn't done with me just yet. It had to make my start to the year bad and after 6 months worth of work and effort to fix myself it seems that now it want's to do the same thing to me again.

I don't do change well, I know it's a basic aspect of life and I can handle the usual kind of change when it's slow and hard to notice but when something is sudden it just...gets to me. You see...I had finally gotten over most of what had happened before during the beginning of the year and I had found someone who I connected with.

But because of everything I did to get over what had happened I developed a fear of getting to close to someone and commiting to a real relationship again. I didn't want to lose someone again by opening up only to have them leave me if I messed up or did something wrong. I just didn't want to go through that again. So I hesitated when I shouldn't have.

I formed a less serious but still intimate relationship with the person and it was nice, no fear of commitment and I thought no fear of attachment. But because of who I am...I get attached to easily especially when it comes to being intimate with someone. Because I waited to long and hesitated out of fear I lost the person I wanted to be with. They ended up being asked out by one of my closest friends.

The three of us would hang out all the time and we all planned on moving in together but all that seems like a nightmare now. They're together, I'm alone again, and my insecurities are screaming at me again after being quiet for so long. When I think about spending time with them I feel cold and my chest feels tight, anxiety builds and I just find myself wanting to avoid them and curl up away from the world.

I was happy and then I lost what was making me happy, all because I was to afraid to commit to a serious relationship again. Now I'm struggling to get used to the change...it's just hard. Everything feels different now even though I know it isn't that different. I'm afraid of being a third wheel, not being wanted anymore cause they make each other happy now, what use am I? I live to make others happy, keep peoples spirits high, be there for them when no one else will. But what happens when someone else can provide that better than me. Plus...I'm afraid and hesitant to talk to the person I liked cause well...they're with someone now and I feel horrible even considering sitting next to them or hugging them cause I know it'll be awkward and weird.

But I also know I'm being selfish cause I had my chance, I knew what our relationship was, and I knew there was a chance things could change. I'm happy it was my best friend cause I wouldn't trust anyone else with keeping them happy but at the same time...why did it have to be him. Of all people why him. Idk I just wanna go back to the time before it all happened. Things were simple and now they're not. Idk what to do, how do you make yourself accept change? There are no simple answers and everything that isn't medicine only works if you have the right mentality but when you're a logic driven person like me it just...never clicks.

Anyways I'm heading off. Hopefully someone will offer some advice or insight by tomorrow. That or the bot will be the only comment. Still nice to vent I guess.