It's weird how so much time can pass without it feeling like it's gone by that quickly. 2020 started out a bit bad but February 2nd was the real beginning of the downward spiral for me, everything else that happened around me just seemed to add to the fact that 2020 is the worst year I've experianced.

Now...unlike some people here who have serious issues and reasons for posting I don't really think my situation is all that bad. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I don't self harm, and I haven't lost hope/faith. Most of my fears though have been confirmed true and getting over that truth hasn't been easy.

Even before this new year started I had trouble involving my friends on Discord...I played DnD with a specific group some of which I'd known for almost 3 years while the others I'd known for about 1. Most of what happened is foggy as my memory normally isn't great with details but the gist was a number of them were tired/fed up with me as a DM and a few didn't like me as a person...but a few of them were hypocrites about things even if those things were true.

I got emotional and I make stupid choices when I'm emotional and I left our main servers...a day or two later I asked to come back since I wasn't thinking straight and well...I was told no and that I should take some time away from the group so things could calm down. About a week later they brought me back in but at the time I didn't know that it was out of pity which I say is on them. Be honest and just tell me that you need more time, don't pity me and cause more issues by letting me back early.

Anyways the entire time leading up to feburary was riddled with anxiety, insecurity, and a lot of deceit/lies. I agreed to better myself even if I didn't think I needed bettering and three people promised to help. Every time I'd ask if I was making progress I'd get a "Yeah you're doing fine, no issues." then when I finally pressed a friend of mine he admitted that yes there was a problem and he didn't wan't to say cause he only did it to get me to stop complaining (which was the issue he had) and that should have given me the idea that others were lying as well.

Jump to the day things went to shit and well it was superbowl day, I had nothing to do, and I messaged my friends asking if they wanted to play a game together. All said they were busy/had other plans or they had to go into town. Later I learn from one of my friends that they were playing a game that I was never told about or invited to. Not being invited wasn't the issue as I understood why, DM wanted a minimal number of players.

But not straight up telling me that you already had something planned made me feel super insecure, as if they didn't want me knowing or something. So I talked with someone I thought I could confide in and turns out she'd been sharing everything we'd talked about to them which eventually caused the DM to end the game and confront me despite my wishes to wait till my emotions weren't all over the place.

We had a long discussion in private with the other people and they said I had made no progress on being better despite telling me multiple times when I asked that I had. Another person said they honestly never liked me and only pretended to be my friend so as not to hurt my feelings, and a bunch of other stuff.

In the end they decided a temporary separation was needed and that I could come back possibly when things died down. Thing is...after a month I asked a friend if they thought I'd ever be able to come back and they side that it was likely not going to happen.

Soon after learning this my GF at the time comes and tells me she wants a break and later she admits it was a lie to see if I'd notice she was serious about leaving. We finally broke up and are now trying to rework a friendship but...I can't help but miss her and I have trouble thinking of ever being with someone else.

All of this while going to college and then going into quarantine. I lost all those close to me and had only 1 person to keep me company during all this. Things were rough, emotions were strange, and I just...idk couldn't cope. I desperately miss everyone while also feeling wronged due to the lies.

Now it's 5 months later and I'm doing much better but I recently learned my friend, the DM of the group I got kicked from, is going to run a new game soon and I asked to join. But unless 1-2 players decide to not join that game I cant play. I'm completely restricted from spending time and playing games with my closest friends because a few people don't like me...I can't be wrong in thinking I got the short end of the stick right?

Other than that I just find myself thinking about my ex and my old friends...what does one do after losing what equates to a 1 in a million group of friends and girlfriend? Sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do or how to move forward.

Somehow after getting over most of the pain it's even harder now. So how does one move forward? I tried making amends with everyone but that didn't work the first time and now this second time they really have no reason to respond/talk to me again. With my Ex she's just content with her life being work, home, eat, sleep, then work again with GED school on the horizon...but I can't forget her or try to put my feelings aside when talking to her. Sadly I have no real experience to work from with these situations so I have no idea how to handle them without forgetting/ignoring the feelings.

So yeah...thats my 5 month update. have a wonderful Saturday everyone and remember the Keep Moving Forwards.