I need some help. I'm anxious about writing this. I believe it will sound 'pathetic'. I've had an intense belief that, if given the chance, people will think poorly of me, for a long time. Sometimes I get good at fighting it, at thinking in new ways. I think I fucked up, none of the same stuff helps me through anymore. I can only rely on things that numb me. Food, tv. It's an extremely boring life. I realise I must be very sad and lonely but I can't feel it. It's like there's a veil between me and the world. Maybe it's my SSRI's? Low dose lexapro, 5 mg for a year now. I'm terrified of people hurting me emotionally, I get so nervous talking to anyone about anything important 1 on 1. I feel trapped, caged. I wish I could just be sad or angry but I don't know how to get there. I'm always trying to treat people in the best possible way but only so they will like me. I hate being alone, my thoughts are the worst companions. But my thoughts get worse when I'm around people for too long. I start to feel irritated because I believe they are thinking poorly of me, or if it is my partner I might feel very needy. I hate that I am like this. I've never felt so lost in my life. My day to day is just trying to ignore how empty and bored and lonely I feel. I'm so lonely but I get so irritated at everyone around me. I think about dying every day. It wouldn't be fair though. I can't bear the thought of people feeling angry at me, even if I was dead. My best friend started seeing my ex recently who was (I think?) emotionally abusive to me (out of ignorance not maliciously) whilst I wasn't talking to the best friend as they told me that the two of them kissed. I thought my friend would prioritize me but they didn't. I thought they understood. I don't think I can trust people as much as I need to, in order to open up in the way that I (assume I) need. Being a true friend to someone, in my books, is as intimate as a partner emotionally. But I don't even know if I am that good so how can I expect it from anyone else? I'm very tired. Being awake is a constant struggle. I feel bad to burden anyone, or I don't trust them enough to. I don't know what to do. The safest and easiest option that won't harm anyone is just to live my life as a mindless emotionless zombie. I need to have meaning and purpose in my life, otherwise I might just impulsively take all my medication (I've come close) which I know probably wouldn't even kill me. I'm seeing a therapist, I have a job and a comfortable amount of money and a car. I'm 23 and I live in Australia. I'm very intelligent, perceptible and radical in a lot of ways. It's not easy for me to make friends even though people always seem impressed (I wear strange clothes etc). I struggle with emotional eating. I spend most of my time alone in my room. I struggle with my image. I had an old therapist who I saw for about a year tell me I didn't need him anymore. My mum died when I was 18.

I feel like I need to justify how bad I feel. Idk.

There are good things too. I have a great partner. I have some really sensitive and intelligent friends. My family isn't the worst.

I just feel like life is drudgery and mindless consumerism. And when I want to do something about it I lean toward impulsivity and feel-good things because I don't want to try some long term change and for it to not get better...

I don't know. I'm a mess.