when I was young I was diagnosed with ADD. Throughout high school I took 70mg of Vyvanse daily. Most of the days I feel as if there is something in my head blocking my brain from fully functioning, I can literally feel where its at in my head. I feel a slight sad sensation, tired, and not a lot of motivation to do anything. Throughout my junior and senior year of highschool I started to notice some days that this saddness and lack of motivation were gone, and I was able to be me; be outgoing, socialize with my class mates, participate in class, and care about things. All the feelings of saddness were gone. I notice a pattern to achieve feeling like this and it was a long night of sleep (9 hours) followed by a short night of sleep (6 hours) this probably only worked 30% of the time but it was something I could try to feel normal. The other few days in high school I felt extremely sad. I felt as if I just wanted to cry. I wanted to be left alone and not socialize with anyone.

The second semester of senior year I switched to Strattera 80mg I felt little affect and was just tired.

I didnt take any medication over the summer.

A week before moving away for college I started 80 mg of Strattera again. The whole first semester I felt Amazing! I was me. My mind had never worked so well in my entire life, I was able to socialize with anyone and make friends. My cognitive ability had never performed on this level before. I made a 4.0 my first semester of college. I have never made straight A's before in my life. I finally felt free and stable. I had stop taking Stratteria towards the end of my first semester due to cost.

my 2nd semester of college was okay. Then the 3rd and 4th semester I was not well this sadness returned worse then ever before. I would call my mom on the phone crying because I felt so bad and helpless. Thoughts of suicide increased, especially with lack of sleep, I would think about it weekly how I would do it, and what I would want to prepare before killing myself. I stop going out, and started skipping class more.

5th semester of college (January 2015) I started back on Strattera and I watched as my mind changed going up in dose until I got to the recommend does 80mg. I started feeling better again but the sadness and suicide thoughts are still here, only for about 4 days did I feel normal, I watched myself participate in class and actually start socializing and bonding with my class mates.

There is 2 more personality that come out of me every once in a while. I call it more of a way of thinking in my head changes. One of them has only came out about 5 times and it is only around meeting a girl for the first time and at night. my mind goes into this logical, fast, very witty, sort of a asshole personality (if you have ever watched the show Suites its almost like Harvey Specters personality), only once has it came out with a friend around.(this was also with meeting a girl for the first time.) Its as if certain parts of my personality get amplified.

The other "way of thinking" I feel as if there is a fire burning through my body. It feels amazing. I feel like a have a killer instinct and aggression and logical thinking is amplified and emotion are not much there. I feel as if I wanted to go hurt somebody I could.

Please Reddit help me understand my mind. Do I have some sort of depression, bipolar, personality disorder, or etc. anything will help!