I think I’ve finally just conceded that there’s no place for me in the world. I don’t really enjoy anything, I can barely seem to care about anything, I don’t have anything that interests me or any goals or anything really. I am so fucking tired of feeling so alone all the time, but the more people are around me, the more alone I feel. I’ve stopped bothering with friendships or relationships cause I just feel nothing, and it makes me feel hollow and reminds me that I’m just stuck being lonely. The only person who ever made me feel less alone was a girl who fucking rejected me anyway, and then I managed to fuck up whatever was left of our friendship and now she has shut me out completely for the past three years. I’ve tried to move on, find other people since her, but it just doesn’t work, everyone makes me feel even more alone than they did before I met her. The only thing productive I can still manage to do with my time is obsessively work out because I feel a ridiculous feeling of anxiety that if she ever did come back to me, I might finally meet her physical standards, even though I know full fucking well she’s very clearly never even gonna see me again.

I dunno, I’ve been in therapy for like 4 years, tried a bunch of different therapists, more medications than I can even remember, I’m on three medications right now, two of which I’m on double the usual maximum dose so the chemist literally just gives me two boxes of the normal maximum dose so dose for each of them every time now, along with a warning that I really should’ve gotten serotonin syndrome on this much shit. Apparently it’s not so slowly killing me to be on this much, and it still feels like I’ve been taking sugar pills for all I can tell. Also got referred to an acute course of TMS which I finished a couple months ago and that also did absolutely nothing. I feel worse than ever, so I guess my brain is probably just fucked.

I dunno, think I’m probably just gonna give up on trying to maintain my no drinking and no self harm shit, cause what the fuck does it even matter, and then I’m just gonna get absolutely blackout fucking drunk on NYE, cause I honestly think 2025 is gonna be the last year I’m gonna be alive for, cause I think I’m just incompatible with the whole life thing.