This journey started several years ago. I noticed a lot of anxiety and depression. So my doctor started me on Zoloft. We increased the dose little by little up to about 75mg. Because of other symptoms Buspar was added. Eventually the sexual health effects of Zoloft started to take their toll. We were trying to have a family and this just wasn't happening. My urologist was VERY against the idea of Zoloft specifically because of sexual health.

So we stopped the zoloft and started wellbutrin. This seemed to go well enough for about a year, but around late spring I started to notice worsening symptoms. I reached out to my doctor, we discussed, and we upped the meds: 10mg buspar - one in the morning one at night, and 300mg wellbutrin xl in the morning. Symptoms started to subside, life went on.

Now, i would say for at least the last three months i have been stuck in a loop of anger, frustration, irritability, constant negative thoughts, an inability to relax or unwind, and just generally unpleasant to be around. I don't feel joy, i dont find pleasure in the things that used to bring me joy, i am always in a state of "resting aggravation" as i have come to call it.

I have also been taking testosterone for the last two years so naturally we assumed some mood changes were due to that and it would just be an adjustment period. Then last year I started taking daily insulin shots for my type 2 diabetes, as my body as become insulin resistant due to age and how long i have been diagnosed. Both of this were actually positive changes - energy levels increased, appetite diminished, weight loss - some 50-60lbs in a year, which led to an increase in confidence and pleasure with my overall appearance, and generally feeling better going from an A1C of 8.2 to 5.2. Still, here i am. I cannot relax, i cannot let the small things go, i let them build up and treat them the same as i would something major. i let small things ruin my day. I am always angry. I am always pissed off. It wasn't always like this, it was never like this. Sure i would get angry but i would also be able to let things go, to move on, to problem solve on my own or with others. Now the problem persists, even if it should have been resolved. I cannot let negative conversations or situations go, my mind will be fixated on them for days on end. I will fall asleep dwelling on them, wake up dwelling on them, stay awake or get up in the middle of the night and dwell on them. It is, in a word, a nightmare.

I meet with my doctor again in 11 days for a 6 month follow up. I decided yesterday to stop taking the wellbutrin first. It is the higher dose of the two so maybe i will notice some changes. At the same time I have also started taking 50mg of zoloft. I still have an old bottle from before. How do i feel today? Better. Lighter. Different. I am not sure if it is placebo or not. Time will tell. Yes, i am aware it can take weeks for a medication to make changes, but i am hoping that is not the case. Even if it is placebo, if it continues i would rather trick or believe a lie than to continue feeling the way that i do.