I would never in my wildest dreams think that there will come a day that I can say "I lost everthing". My whole life just started falling apart since 8 June 2024. It all began with being hostage. Since then I have experienced nothing but trauma, loss, rejection, pain, humiliation and betrayal and it just won't stop. My workplace is going under. I havent been paid for two months and I can't find other work earning earnig enough to provide for myself. Currently I am just a burden on my family.

Today I lost my favourite and most important person in my life. I love him with all my heart. I never wanted to fall in love with him, because I always get hurt, but I met a man with a kind heart and a gentle soul but since I last saw him everything changed. I dont know what happened but he turned into this this hard and heartless monster. I felt like have been dumped by Satan. No compassion, no remorse, brutal, heartless and inhumane. How do you go from "I love you" to "you don't exist to me anymore".

I tried reaching out to talk about. He refuses. I never got the chance to say goodbye I will never see him again. He took a part of me and I won't ever get it back again. He was greatest love, but also my greates disappointment. If I could sum the past year and a half up in a one paragraph it would go like this: "I am done with you. I never loved you, I manipulated and used you and I got what I wanted. You never meant anything to me and I don't need you any more. You are worthless and will never be good enough for me. I never want to see you again so, FUCK OFF."

I am so confused. Everything hurts. A year and and a half of my life was just one big lie. With everything that happened the past 4 months I don't even see the purpose of getting up in the mornings anymore. Why did he have to come into my life? Why did it have to end this way? I don't know what I have done to deserve this, but it must have been horrible. I am so tired being the one hurting every single time. It is like an evil curse.

I really don't think there is someone for me on this planet and sure as hell do not believe in love anymore. I don't even know why I am still breathing. Am I here to just hurt all the time. I don't even want to meet people anymore. I don't want to love or fall in love again. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I wish my heart was as hard as his. Then at least I wouldn't hurt like this.

I am 36 and I don't know what its like to be in relationship. To be with that one person that has you back, your best interst at heart,that makes you happy and loves you unconditionally. That one person you wanna do life with. It is always the same thing over and over and over again: I meet someone, we have a good time and then it just unexpectedly ends. I was so convinced I found my person. How did this happen? I can't see the purpose of this. I don't even know if I can believe in God aymore and if He can hear me, I want Him to know that I can deal with what happened on these past 4 months, but this was nothing but fucking unnecessary.

Why did I have to come into my life. I wish I never met him even though I will always be thankful for our time together. And I will always love the version of him that I got to know. My life was perfect with him in it. All I want is for him to come back. Now I am just this empty vessel filled with heartache, pain and mourning. It feels like my whole body is tearing apart and my chest is about to explode. How do I make peace with this?